


The Bucket List: 13 Reasons Why You Need to Stay

by GreyWeeknds



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-06 00:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11024538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyWeeknds/pseuds/GreyWeeknds
Summary: Justin Foley doesn't have anyone or anywhere to go one night, so he decides to crash at Alex Standall's place. However, Standall isn't as bad as he thought, and soon Justin finds himself fall head over heels for a person that doesn't want to live anymore. Time is running out, and Justin decides from that moment on that he's going to make a list of thirteen reasons why Standall needs to stay with him.





	1. Prologue

As Justin’s feet touches the pavement, he starts to think of Hannah. Hannah with the great smile, he thinks. His lips turn a bit upwards as he remembers that he always used to think of her in that way, before everything got fucked up. He actually had forgotten that. But now he’s having a hard time remembering what it looked like, and that pretty much sucks.

The sky is black, and there are only streetlamps that are lightning up the block he's walking through, and it’s almost as dark as his soul. His fingers touch his left pocket, and for a moment he starts to fiddle with it before he takes up his phone. _No missed calls_ , it says. Even though he expected it to, it still makes his heart pang. One of the ugliest things about Zach Dempsey, Justin realizes, is that he’s too much of a coward to stand up for the people in need. The same went for Hannah. When she needed Zach the most, he stayed silent. Maybe Justin doesn’t earn the same kind of help in life that Hannah did, but that doesn’t make Zach any less of a coward.

For a slight second Justin starts to wonder where he's going. Zach doesn’t pick up his calls, so he can’t go there. Montgomery is a jerk, Marcus is Marcus, Courtney he’s never been able to stand, and Bryce… well, lets just not get into that whole situation. Then Justin starts to think about Jessica Davis. His Jess. If Justin had just left her alone from the start, then maybe everything could have been different now. If they never had gotten together from the first place, he’s sure as hell she never would have thrown that party, and then Jeff wouldn’t have been killed, and Jessica never would have been raped, and Hannah. Hannah would probably still have been alive today if Justin would have left Jess alone.

He presses a button, and _no missed calls_ lights up in the cold night. He shuffles his bag a little on his shoulder, and he tries to press it as close to his body as possible to get some heat. It’s freezing outside, and if Justin would just close his eyes and lay down on the ground, he’s almost sure he would freeze to death. Maybe that isn’t the worst thing, he thinks. Because his mom doesn’t give two shits about him, Zach doesn’t even bother to answer his twenty missed calls from Justin, and Jess will probably kill him anyway when she finds out the truth. That Bryce Walker, Justin’s best friend since they were kids, raped her and left her on her own. Justin hadn’t even dared to go back after he was done, because he couldn’t stand looking at her knowing what he did.

“Fuck!” Justin screams, and a few random houses start to light up from the sound.

He can’t bother to care though; because, Justin’s pretty certain that he can’t feel any lonelier than he does in this exact moment. But then his body jerks, because through one of the windows that are lit up he sees Alex Standall. Little Alex Standall that's been ditching his gang ever since the Hannah incident, and he probably shouldn't even care. Standall and Justin have never even been that much close anyway. In all honesty, the only reason why he’s actually put up with the kid is because he somewhat pitied him for being a shrimpy loner. But now, now Standall is the only one that might take him in for the night, and there's no one else that Justin would want it to be.

He starts to walk towards Standall's house, and when he’s climbed up the stone stairs, he freezes. He starts to hesitate for a moment, and he can feel how his courage lacks for every second that passes. What if Standall doesn’t even let him step inside? What if he laughs into his face and tells him that he got what he deserved? Really, Justin wouldn’t blame him. But it’s Standall, and even though he’s sometimes feisty, he still wouldn’t kill a fly. He inhales a cold breath of air, and then he knocks onto the wooden door. It doesn’t even pass two seconds before he meets the two icy blue eyes and the bleached hair.

“Hi.” He murmurs, and the weakness in his voice makes him blush.

“Foley, what the hell are you doing here at…” Standall looks down at his watch, and his brows furrows when he sees the time. “3AM?”

Justin doesn’t want to tell him. He doesn’t want to tell Standall about being kicked out by his mom’s boyfriend. Doesn’t want to talk about how his throat still hurts from when his hands tried to strangle Justin just a few hours ago.

“Can I sleep here?” Justin blurts out. “I can sleep in the garage.” He pleads.

Standall gives him once again a confused look, and then he shakes his head. At that exact moment Justin’s heart falls into his stomach, and he feels like dying. Because, if even Standall won't take him in, then who will? 

“Of course not, you’re not a hobo.” He says. “You can crash in my room.”

Justin wants to cry right then and there, because he’s so thankful that someone still cares about him, even if it's just a little bit. He can’t even say thanks, because those words aren’t even enough to describe the gratefulness that Justin is feeling towards him. Instead his eyes meet Standall’s, and he can feel his own eyes water from gratefulness. Standall seems to be embarrassed, but Justin can't find it in himself to care about what a fool he looks like. And he is a fool, in a way at least, because he's pretty much homeless, and he has no friends left, and his girlfriend he's not even sure where she's at. The only stray of hope he still has is standing right in front of him, and his heart starts to beat faster at that.

“It’s nothing.” Standall mumbles.

They climb up the stairs, and then they’re inside his room. The walls are blue, and there's just a desk and a bed. It's nothing special really, but it's more than Justin have. Still, it's very typical Standall _ish_ in way. Minimalistic, but with a hint of _I don't give a fuck_. Justin realizes that this is the first time that he’s ever been alone with Standall, and the thought of that weirdly excites him.

“You can sleep on my bed, I’ll sleep on the floor.” 

Justin can’t even find it in himself to say no, that of course Standall shouldn’t sleep on his own floor. Because Justin’s never been much of luxuries, he has always been able to cope with sleeping on pretty much anything. He even once slept on a cardboard in Zach's basement, because he didn't want his parents to find out. Even though Justin's a jerk, he still isn't that much of a dick to let one of his friends sleep on something such humiliating. Standall's generosity overwhelms him, so all he does is nods.

“If you mind then I’m probably gonna to try catch some sleep.” Standall yawns.

Justin nods his head again, and before he can look away, Standall takes of his t-shirt. Justin doesn’t know why it catches his breath, but he can’t stop his eyes following Standall's milky-white skin down to the hem of his grey joggers. He looks away quickly, his cheeks alarmingly hot, and he’s thankful that Standall hasn’t seemed to notice. Or, at least he has the courtesy to not say anything anyway.

“Goodnight then.” Standall whispers.

The room goes black, and all Justin wants to do is to sleep. But there’s something inside of him that isn’t sleepy at all. Instead pictures of Hannah, Jess, Bryce, Jensen, and pretty much the whole fucking school starts to rumble inside his mind. The world probably would be better off without him, he thinks again.

“Standall?” he whispers.

“Hm?” Standall’s sleepy self answers.

Justin is silent for almost a minute before he whispers, “I don’t think I wanna live anymore.”

It’s quiet for what feels like an eternity. He can hear how cars outside the window are passing, and then Justin starts to think that maybe Standall fell asleep. He suddenly wonders what Standall dreams about. Is it a world where no Hannah Baker commited suicide, and no Jessica Davis got raped? Does he, in his unconscious self, dream of a world where Justin is included? God, he hopes that Standall dreams of a world like that. Because, all Standall ever did was writing that stupid list. He’s suffered enough now, Justin thinks.

“Me neither.” Standall’s voice breaks right of the sudden.

And shit, Justin wasn’t prepared for that.


	2. The Bucketlist

The light is seeping trough the blinds, and he can see grains of dust that is dancing in the air. It shifts from green to yellow, and yellow to brown, and blissfully he closes his eyes. He can still see the contours of the light through his eyelids, and it’s in this orange warm tone. But everything else, they’re in this other world where Justin doesn't exist.

Justin and Jess always used to do this. Look at those grains of dusts and trying to catch them, competing that whoever caught the most would give the other one oral sex. They could do that forever. He remembers how much they used to laugh at that, because it had been impossible to count who had caught the most, so both just went down onto each other. But that was a long time ago. Now everything with Jess is so much more complicated. She’s acting weird, turning up to school drunk out of her ass, and for a minute Justin doesn’t want to acknowledge the reason for her behavior. Because, sometimes the only thing that he can hang onto is to give himself these glimpses of oblivion.

He can feel a tear that is dangerously near trying fall down his cheek, and it hurts like nails against his skin. It feels like a reality has slapped him in the face, because for the first time it comes down to him that Jess, his Jess, is probably not going to be his much longer. He feels stupid, because it’s been obvious the last few months really. All they ever really do is fight, and if they don’t scream aloud about how much they fucking hate each other, they somehow make each other feel like shit in some other way. Justin can feel his stomach knot, because then he starts to think of those moments when she looks at him with such a pleading look. Her eyes are screaming to him to tell her the truth, that all she needs is his confirmation that she isn’t crazy. That Hannah didn’t lie. Justin wants to punch himself in the face, because how can he be so heartless and keep his mouth shut? He used to tell himself it was because of that he was trying to protect her, but now it occurs to him that he’s maybe a bigger coward than Zach has ever been.

Justin opens his eyes, and for a slight second he wonders were he is. Then he shifts his body, and on the floor Alex Standall’s small body is hunched and sleeping on what looks like a very thin mattress. Justin isn’t sure if he’s supposed to stay until he wakes up, stay for breakfast, but then he decides that he’s taken enough of Standall’s hospitality. He carefully climbs out of the bed, and the thought strikes him that this is the most comfortable sleep he’s had in weeks. Before he leaves the room, he lets himself have one last glance on Standall. It’s been a long time since he saw the kid look that peaceful. Lately Standall’s been wearing this look of discomfort everywhere he goes. Justin’s pretty sure that’s more got to do about Hannah than anything else. And suddenly he remembers what Standall said last night, the crack and seriousness of his voice when he said agreed with Justin’s statement of not wanting to live. Justin had just said it in the heat of the moment, really. Because when it all comes down to it, Justin very much wants to live. Standall on the other hand, he didn’t seem like it. He had heard him, and even though he hadn’t said much, there was still this unvoiced comment that had strained the air between them. The “I’m thinking about killing myself”-comment. Justin had to bite his own lips, because otherwise he was pretty certain a whimper would escape them.

Justin finds himself three hours later starring at Standall’s neck in math, first period. Justin had never noticed how dark Standall’s roots had become. Usually the kid was always very nitpicky with his hair, but as everything else, he just didn’t seem to care anymore. Justin has to resist himself to drag his lean fingers along Standall's fair-skinned neck, because he doesn’t want to address whatever it was that he feels or thinks about Standall - not now at least.

He has to force himself to turn his gaze to someone else, someone that isn’t Standall. His eyes land on Jensen, and he looks pretty fucked up lately. It isn’t strange though; those tapes do stuff to one’s head, stuff that can't be explained. Justin had been wrecked for days, maybe even weeks now that he looks back at it. Last time he heard, Jensen had been doing some weird stuff lately, like throwing tantrums in the middle of the hallway. But Justin doesn’t have the time to care about his freakouts anymore; he needs to focus on more important stuff. Anyway, Jensen will probably go back to normal sooner or later, everybody else had to.

His eyes dart back and forth towards Jensen’s face and the school ground through the window. He can still remember it clearly the first time he saw Hannah Baker. He had never seen a girl like her before, with such beautiful dark curly hair. Justin had promised himself at that right spot, the one beside the old tree, that he was going to make Hannah his. But then Jess came into the picture, and he met a girl with even darker and curlier hair. The thing was that his feelings for Hannah kind of melted away in a matter of seconds when he heard Jess laugh for the first time. She had this really whiny sound when caught for breath after she laughed, and some people would probably find it irritating, but to Justin it had been endearing. Now he wouldn't exactly describe it as the term endearing though, because every time she laughed, he had to think about something else, or else he would go nuts.

He looks down on a blank piece of paper on his desk, and he starts to think about Standall once again. What if he is planning on doing a Hannah Baker part 2? Slashing his wrists in the bathtub and making a bunch of tapes for people to listen to. Justin knows that if Standall would do such a thing, he won’t be able to take it. When he received Hannah’s tapes he hadn’t spoken to her for months, and even though it might seem heartless, Justin had felt more sad about the situation – regardless of who had sent him them. But he knew Standall, even though they weren’t that close, he still told himself that they did care about one another in some sort of way. Before Justin knows it he sees that he has scribbled down on the top of the blank paper _13 reasons why you need to stay_. Unconsciously Justin’s mind can’t leave their conversation from last night and the unspoken words about committing suicide. What if this is Justin’s second chance, his redemption to save someone before it’s too late? It’s a bit silly, it really is, but Justin starts to write down thirteen things and places that he wants to show Standall. Perhaps if Justin really persuades him, then maybe he can change his mind.

When he’s done he folds the paper in two, and then he puts it in his front pocket of his jeans. He doesn’t know how to do this thing, but he’s pretty certain that he’ll be able to check number one of his list already tonight.


	3. Reason 1: Show Standall the Stars

Justin’s eyes land on their hands as Standall’s fingertips brushes against his, and it feels like tiny electric bolts between them. Justin can feel it creep onto his own skin, the slight touch of Standall, and he almost looses his breath. He’s not sure why Standall makes him feel that way, because it’s just Standall.

Justin passes him the cigarette, and when Standall puts it between his lips, it does things to Justin’s body. He can’t really explain it, but it’s like this jolt that travels down to hips. He can’t even remember Jess ever making him feel this way. Then again, it doesn’t even makes sense why he’s comparing his girlfriend and Standall.

“What’re you doing tonight?” Justin asks.

Standall gives him the once again confused look, and then he says “Dunno. You?”

“You wanna hang out?” Justin blurts out, not coming out as discrete as he wanted to. He gives himself a mental slap in the face.

“Sure.” Standall says as he shrugs his shoulders.

 _I’m gonna change your mind_ , Justin thinks, _even if it’s the last thing I’ll do_.

*****

Justin sends Zach a message, asking him if he can burrow his car. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds before he gets a  _‘Why?’_ , and Justin replies _‘Coz I need it. Can I or not?’_. For a few minutes he waits for Zach’s reply, but nothing comes. Justin sighs loudly, feeling the anger in his body suddenly arise. He doesn’t even know if Zach even considers them friends anymore, and that makes Justin pretty fucking sad. Because, even though some might think that Bryce was the only reason why they hang out, Justin knows it’s not the only reason. Well, maybe it’s the reason why they started to hang out, but Justin really likes Zach. Even though there are some traits about him that pisses Justin off, he still really likes him.

But then his pocket starts to vibrate, and as he looks down at the screen, he sees the words _‘Sure’_. A warm feeling of gratefulness for Zach lending him the car, mixed with the feeling of hopefulness that their friendship isn’t totally ruined, makes Justin smile. And it’s not the smile where you only lift up the ends of your lips, but the kind of smile were you smile so hard that your cheeks hurt and your teeth shows and you've got to throw your hands into the sky.

He walks briskly to Zach’s house, almost floating of happiness. But before he starts to knock at the door, he sees the car keys on the stairs. He feels how his eyes start to sting, because Zach doesn’t even want to spend three seconds of his life to meet him. Instead he rather risks it being stolen than having to see Justin in the eye. Then he remembers that he doesn’t even have the time to waste his thoughts on thinking about Zach being Zach, because Standall’s probably waiting for him by now.

He takes the car keys up from the cold stone stairs, and then he climbs into the car. It’s a bit too quiet, so he decides to put some music on. But then he sees that Zach has changed his stereo into that vintage thing that only plays tapes, and suddenly a feeling of nausea hits him. It hits a bit too close to home when he sees it, and then he thinks that he would rather listen to the silence than ever having to play a tape again.

He drives to Standall’s house, and the kid is standing outside already in the freezing cold. All he wears is a thin white t-shirt, a beige knitted cardigan, and brown Manchester pants. He really dresses like an old man, but in some way Justin really thinks it fits him. There’s no one else that would be able to pull off something like that, except Standall.

“Damn Justin, you’re like fifteen minutes late.” Standall whines.

“I didn’t say you needed to wait outside, Standall.” Justin snickers.

“Alex. I hate it when you call me Standall.” He sighs.

“But it’s your name.” Justin teases him, but he keeps a mental note to start calling Alex by his first name for the most part from now on. “Isn’t it?”

“I know you’re not as dense as you look Foley.”

Justin laughs and throws his arm around Alex’s neck, but when their skin brushes against each other, his smile falters. It’s the same electric feeling like before, and he’s thankful that he hasn’t started the engine yet. Otherwise he would probably crash into a pole, and that would kind of ruin his whole plan by keeping Alex alive.

“So what’re we gonna do then?” Alex breaks the tension that creeped up between them without Justin noticing it.

“We’re gonna look at the stars.” Justin exclaims. “There’s this thing that I really wanna show you.”

“What thing?” Alex asks while wrinkling his forehead. “And why do you wanna show me it of all people?”

Justin only shrugs, not really wanting to answer it.

“I’m sure the only thing I’m going to see tonight is a nebula.” Alex mutters.

“A what?” Justin asks dumbfounded.  

Alex wipes his hands over his eyes, but Justin can see his face behind them from the side, and he’s not really that irritated as he acts. He actually looks like he's enjoying himself, but acting like he's not. That’s one of the things that he likes about Alex, how intelligent he is. Just the thought about it makes Justin smile.

“What are you grinning about?” Alex then asks him.

“Nothing.” Justin flashes him a smile. “Nothing really."

*****

They are leaning against the car bonnet, and Justin is pointing up at everything in the sky like a child. He earns a few grins and sighs from Alex. 

“You’re such a fool Foley.” Alex mutters, clearly enjoying being able to show off how clever he really is.

Justin then pushes Alex’s shoulder playfully, answering back “I thought we dropped the whole surname-thing.”

“Who said that I couldn’t still call you Foley?” Alex teases, staring at him deeply.

Whenever their eyes land on each other, blue meeting blue, it does something strange to Justin’s stomach. It feels like he needs to puke, but still he feels really fussy inside. He can’t really explain it, and he's not sure he wants to. 

However, Justin doesn’t answer him. Instead he continues to stare into Alex’s mesmerising blue eyes of the wildest oceans. He doesn’t want to break the moment, he wants to test their waters, and their smiles slowly die down. For a slight second it looks like Alex has moved three inches closer to his face. In that very moment the whole earth stands still, and the only thing that exist are he and Alex, lying flat on the bonnet underneath the night sky.

“Look!” Justin suddenly blurts out, and he once again points to the sky. “It’s a fallen star.”

Alex turns his head excitingly, and the moment between them is broken. But Justin doesn’t want to pay too much thought at whatever it was that almost happened between them, he really isn’t ready yet.

“You know what that means, right?” Alex says.

Justin shakes his head, and Alex furrows his eyebrows.

“It means that you can wish for anything your heart desires, and that wish will come true.” Alex explains.

He must think by this time now that Justin is a complete idiot. But stuff like that Justin's never heard of. It kind of just gets like that when you haven’t had a mom or dad that cared enough when you were a child.

“Really?” Justin asks, a hint of amazement in his voice. “It really makes your wishes come true?”

“No, of course not.” Alex grins. “But it’s a nice idea though, isn't it? That it’s that simple. That you only have to wish, and then everything you wish for just gets solved.”

In that very specific moment Justin wishes that Alex Standall will never die. That he'll never commit suicide. Even if it’s a childish game, to wish upon a star, Justin still feels this burning need that he has to do it. What if his wish becomes true in some crazy bizarre way? What if that fallen star saves Alex some day? God, Justin really, really hopes it does.

When Alex isn’t looking, Justin checks off number one of his list. Then he turns his head so that he can let himself steal one last glance at Alex again, just for a little bit, he tells himself. 


	4. Reason 2: Give Standall a Present

Justin wakes up with a strain in his neck. His hisses from the pain, and he has to rub it with his fingers carefully to make it loosen up. At first he doesn’t notice how cold he is, but then it slowly starts to creep on his skin. He’s got goose bumps on his arms, and it’s even hard to just move his legs from the slightly awkward position he's sitting in. Justin’s been sleeping in Zach’s car the entire night, because there’s no other place for him to go to. It’s still only March, and if he sleeps outside he’ll never make it. But he knows that Zach’s going to want it back sooner or later, and then Justin’s back at square one. He shakes his head, not wanting to think about one of the many problems he has at the moment.

He turns his head, and for a slight second he wonders where Alex is. Then he remembers that he walked home, refusing getting a lift home because apparently Justin would “wake the entire neighborhood up”. Then Justin starts to think about what a nice time it had been when they had been looking at the stars together. Alex knew quite a bit about the space, which didn’t really surprise Justin that much. However, what did surprise him was how alive Alex became when he felt passionate about something, he had almost been burning in the dark night. Justin had never seen something as mesmerizing as that, and now when he had gotten a taste from it, all he did was crave for more.

Alex had told him about all sorts of stuff about the space, and when he had, all Justin could do was to drink in the moment till he felt drunk on life. Alex had shown Justin different star constellations, and Justin’s favorite had been the Libra, because it almost looked like the letter _A_. When the other boy had left, he couldn’t help himself but to look at the sky and search after the Libra just to comfort himself in the lonely desert.

Justin looks down at his phone, and there’s a message from Alex that says _‘You were a total drag yesterday Foley, so don’t wanna hang out tonight at 7PM. Especially not at Monet’s. So don’t bring ur wallet, because I won’t be there.’_

It brings a smile to his face, and he feels this burning heat on his cheeks. His hands go instinctively above his eyes as he lets out a soft sigh. It’s weird that Alex has this effect on him, Justin thinks, not even Jess makes him feel this jittery. But he tells himself that it’s because he’s been kind of lonely lately, so every ounce of human contact makes him go nuts.

 _‘Course not. So don’t expect to see me at Monet’s, 7PM sharp, coz I’m not totally looking forward to it. Also, yesterday was the worst day in months. Like I had a really bad time.’_ Justin answers. It’s kind of intriguing playing this game with Standall, like they’re competing against each other to be the most powerful one. Justin doesn’t expect to get a reply as fast as he gets, but when he looks down on the screen there’s a new message. At first he doesn’t want to open it, because he wants to act cool for a little bit longer, he thinks. But then it hits him that it’s just Standall, so it doesn’t even matter if he comes across as cool or not. Plus, Justin doesn’t want to admit it, but Standall seems just as eager as him so it shouldn’t matter if he opens it and replies to it now, now, now.

 _‘Yeah, me too. It really was the worst day ever, and you were the worst person in the world I could spend it with. So don’t think I secretly miss your sorry ass right now, coz I totally don’t.”_ Alex’s message says. But before Justin gets the opportunity to answer back, another message pops up. _‘Seriously though, you do realize that I am being sarcastic?’_. While Justin reads it he imagines Alex’s worried frown writing it, and it does something to his heart that he’s not too keen to think about at the moment. _‘Course. Me too. See you tonight.’_ Justin’s message says, because he doesn’t know what he should write instead.

As he turns to his left there’s this sound that’s coming from his pocket, and then he remembers. He takes up the list that he showed down there in all rush, and he reads the second reason, “ _give Standall a present”_.

*****

“Mom?” Justin shouts. “Mom, are you home?”

But the apartment seems to be empty, so he runs into his room and hysterically throws stuff away from the shelves to find what he’s looking for. The thing is he really hopes that he didn’t give it to Jess. Even though she probably would appreciate it a lot more than Standall ever will, he still wants to give it to _him_.

Justin turns his head, and from the side of his gaze there’s something blue that’s pointing out underneath his bed. There’s the thing that he’s been searching for.

*****

He takes a sip from the hot cocoa and looks down at his phone. It’s 7.15PM, and Alex hasn’t showed up yet. It’s probably nothing, Justin’s sure of it; he’s probably just struck in a traffic jam. But still he can’t shake the feeling away about being stood up, waiting for someone at a café with a present in his hand that never planned to show up from the first place. _7.16PM_ , his phone says.

He swallows a lump, and he has this sinking feeling of emptiness inside. Maybe Standall just got tired of him? That seems to be a common thing in Justin's life, because his dad left him when he was a kid, his mom’s never been that interested into him, Zach and Jess have been avoiding him lately. So why wouldn’t Standall, who’s pretty much the smartest person that Justin's ever met, have already understood that Justin is a mix between a jerk and a nuthead. The worst kind of combo. 

“Hi.” A voice suddenly says, and his thoughts a interrupted. “Sorry I'm late, was struck in a traffic jam.”

The nagging bad feelings that he just felt, Justin shakes away. Of course Standall’s here, he’s still Standall, and that makes Justin's heart swell.

“Hi.” Justin sighs out relived.

He looks at Alex, and he then gets paralyzed, because how the hell should he greet him? Should he nod, wave, do nothing, or what? But he doesn’t have to reflect over it too much, because Alex sneaks his arms around Justin’s waist and gives him a quick hug. Even after his body is gone from Justin’s, he can still smell the scent of vanilla in the air. It sort of strikes him a bit, because vanilla wouldn’t be the thing that would pop up when thinking about Alex, no pun intended to his vanilla looking hair. But now that he’s smelled him, Justin’s addicted.

“What’s that? You’ve gotten me a present?” Alex asks with interest when he notices the bumpy brown wrapped lump on one of the chairs.

“It’s really nothing.” Justin mumbles. “Just thought it would fit you.”

He hands Alex the gift, and when he opens it and sees what it contains, there’s something that flashes in his eyes, and Justin can’t read it.

“You gave me your basketball jacket?” Alex asks with admiration.

Justin nods his head as he fumbles with the sleeves of his own shirt. He can’t bring himself to look into Alex’s eyes, because if he would, then he would be lost in them forever.

“Thank you, Justin.” Alex says. “I honestly mean it.”

Alex’s fingers find Justin’s hand, and he squeezes it lightly. The same warm feeling on his cheeks that he felt in Zach’s car arises, but Justin can’t find it in himself to look away. Because Alex has now put on Justin’s jacket, and there’s no other word to describe it than it looks hot on him. A dude can still think another dude looks hot without it being weird, Justin tells himself. When he sees Alex in the blue basketball jacket, in _his_ jacket, a feeling of possession over Alex, mixed with yearning, confuses Justin. Because, he’s just Standall, right?


	5. Reason 3: Comfort Him

Justin is slowly walking outside, and it’s just five minutes left until school begins. It’s a bit chilly now that he doesn’t have his jacket anymore, but it was all worth it when he saw Alex in it. Justin had never felt such admiration towards a person before, so feeling a bit cold isn’t the worst thing in the world. From the corner of his eye he sees black curls, and it’s Jess. He realizes it must be weeks since he last kissed her, since he last held her in his arms, and oddly enough it doesn’t even bother him.

“Jess!” Justin shouts.

However she doesn’t stop, she continues to walk briskly.

“Jess! Wait up!” he shouts again, and it works as she suddenly stops.

He jogs after her, and he imagines her sighing, because her chest is over-dramatically expanding before she lets her head fall backwards. Justin wonders if this is were they are now in their relationship, him chasing her and she feeling annoyed of him. Is this what is left of _Justin and Jess_ , the most lovable couple at school?

“What is it Justin?” she hisses.

“Nothing.” He says while smiling reassuringly towards her. “Just been missing you lately.”

She widens her eyes, and then she says. “Okay.”

Even though she probably didn’t mean for it to come forward as hurtful as it did, it still stings. He takes a few steps back, and he gives her a long and examining gaze. Even though she’s still Jess, he can’t see her as he used to. Before she always made his heart flutter, but now he doesn’t feel anything when he sees her. And it’s weird, because how silly it might seem, he thought that in the long-run they would stay together and maybe even get married. Now that life seems so distant that it doesn’t even belong in the three closest galaxies to him, per say if he understood what a galaxy meant when Standall explained it.

“Ouch.” Justin lets out.

“Didn’t know that douchebags could get hurt.” She says. “Guess you proved me wrong.”

“Are you on your period, or what the hell is wrong with you?” Justin suddenly exclaims, because he’s so damn tired of her bitch-act.

“Fuck you Justin.” She says coldly. “Just fuck off.”

Justin wonders when she became this person. Was it after Hannah died, or just after Bryce raped her? Maybe it’s a mix of both? A wave of guilt travels from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes, and he starts to think about how it’s now that weird that she’s behaving so strange. Maybe there’s still some version of Jess left in that shell of meat and blood? But then he looks into her eyes, and they are as black as coal, and there’s not even an ounce of love reserved for him anymore.

“So what, are we done?” He asks.

A sudden breeze of eerie embraces their bodies, and for a moment the earth has turned grey and the time has stopped. She looks as him, and there’s sadness in her eyes, he realizes. It’s been a long time since he last saw any kind of emotion in them, and now that he sees it he feels liberated. Does that make him a dick? That he’d rather see his girlfriend be sad than indifferent? No, Justin thinks, that only makes him a human.

“I don’t know Justin.” She says calmly. “What do you think?”

“Me neither.” He whispers.

Her head falls to her left side, and there’s something that looks so vulnerable about her. Like if she had been made of porcelain, just the lightest touch would make her break. When she leaves him standing alone on the school ground Justin wonders what just happened. Did they break up, or did they just come to a mutual understanding that they just have to wait and see? Somehow Justin doesn’t even care that much about which one it is.

*****

Justin is lying against on of the benches at the school ground, and in his hands he has the bucket list. Two of thirteen reasons are already done, and he hasn’t even come up with a thirteenth reason why Standall shouldn’t kill himself. Sometimes Justin just sucks.

“What’s that.” A voice suddenly says.

“Nothing.” Justin says as he shoves it down in his pocket and shrugs.

It’s Alex, and the sun’s rays shines around his body. It almost blinds Justin.

“It doesn’t look like nothing.” Alex says. “In more specific, it looks like a paper with something written on it.”

“Shut up.” Justin chuckles as he grabs Alex’s wrist and pulls him down beside him.

Their shoulders brushes against each other, and Justin has this urge to make them stay in this position forever. Sitting on a wooden bench together, underneath a tree, and with a sky above them that is in the most turquoise color he’s ever seen.

“What are you thinking about?” Alex then asks.

“You.” Justin responds honestly. “Jess. Everything.”

“That’s a lot for one head to think about.” Alex smiles.

Justin realizes that he hasn’t yet let go of Alex’s hand, and for some reason he doesn’t want to drop it. It’s smoother than he anticipated it would be, and it’s unlike any other boy’s hand he’s ever felt. Usually they’re really rough, but Alex’s almost feels like a girl’s.

“Do you want me to go?” Alex asks in the gentlest voice Justin’s ever heard.

“No.” he mumbles. “I want you to stay forever.”

And it’s the truth, because he doesn’t want to live in a world where Alex isn’t apart of it. A sudden rush of sorrow and freight wraps over his body, and he squeezes Alex’s hand so that he notices that Justin’s still holding it. But he doesn’t draw it back; instead he entwines their fingers together and rests his head against Justin’s shoulder.

Justin starts to think about the list once again, and number three of it is to comfort Alex. But in some way Justin still thinks that this counts, even if it’s the other way around and it’s Alex that is comforting Justin. The only important thing, Justin thinks, is that they’re pressed against each other – and they both don’t mind at all.

“I can stay forever.” Alex mumbles calmly with his eyes closed. “Only if you want it of course.”

“Good.” He says, and a few strands of Alex’s hair has found their way inside his mouth. “It’s the only thing I want.”

Maybe it’s a little weird after all, Justin thinks, to think that your bro looks hot in your jacket. Somehow it doesn’t bug Justin that much at all.


	6. Reason 4: Be Affectionate with Standall

“Yo my man, what’s up?” Zach Dempsey says as he sees Justin.

“Nothing much.” He answers.

Justin looks at Zach, and he wishes so much that they could be like they used to. It had been the best thing in the world when they played video games together and smoked some weed. But now nothing is the same, not since Hannah Baker’s tapes got out.

Justin still remembers how he reacted when he first received them. The first thing that happened was that he had gotten a panic attack in his own bedroom, thinking that it was some kind of sick joke. The next thing was that he started to worry about Zach. Zach had always been the most emotional one in their group, so it came only naturally for Justin to think that he would break down. However that hadn’t been the case, and instead Zach had turned out to be the one who could take it better than Justin. That had really surprised him, because he had never seen himself as whimper than Zach, and in some way their relationship had already started to change in that moment. When Justin looks back at the last three months, he realizes that he and Zach’s not the same people the used to be. Zach’s been prioritizing himself and his basketball, and there’s nothing really that’s wrong with that. Except Zach’s been letting down his friends to save his own skin, and that’s what’s ugly according to Justin. Justin on the other hand found Alex, and since then he’s started to see what and what’s not important more clearly. Justin thinks that he’s enabled to say it by himself that he’s turned out to be a better person ever since he started to hang out with Alex more frequently.

“So I was thinking, you’ve been having my car for almost a week, and I would really need it back.” Zach says as an awkward grin escaped his lips.

Justin looks at Zach, and in his eyes he can see that Zach knows that that car is the only place where Justin can sleep in. Doesn’t he mean anything at all to Zach anymore?

“Yeah… yeah sure.” Justin breaths out, and he starts to fumble with the keys until Zach grabs them from his hands.

“Good.” Zach says sternly. “Mom asked me where the hell it was, so I need it asap.”

It feels like his entire world is breaking, and Justin can almost see his life turning to dust. That car was the only safeness he had left in his life, and Justin wonders when Zach turned out to become so cruel. Justin then starts to think that he has no pride left, so he looks at Zach and decides to be the most honest to him than he’s ever been to someone in his life.

“Wait.” He says as he grabs after Zach’s wrist. “I know we’re not the best friends right now, but I really need that car. My stepdad threw me out a few weeks ago, and I have literally nowhere to go. Can’t I just borrow it for just like a few days more?”

Zach observes him quietly, and something in his eyes cracks. It’s like he’s having the hardest dilemma in his own head right now, and all Justin can do is to wait and see what his former best friend will do. Will he be a good person and lend the much needed car, or will he fuck Justin over? It turns out to be the second one, because suddenly his eyes turn cold, black, and distant.

“Like I said, mom’s been worried why it isn’t at home these days.” Zach says with an empty voice.

“Please.” Justin asks pleadingly. “I’m honestly going to be homeless without that car.”

Zach takes two steps back, and Justin understands then that it won’t matter whatever he says, because Zach’s made up his mind.

“Sorry dude, can’t help you.”

“Zach.” Justin lets out with such sadness, because there’s something in his heart that is breaking.

“I really gotta go man. See you later.” Zach says before he walks away.

Justin quickly draws away a tear that’s found its way out from the corner of his left eye. He won’t start crying in the middle of the school corridor just because he’s been betrayed by someone that used to be one of the most important persons in his life just a few months ago. He’s not going to start crying, not even the slightest. It’s just that his eyes are stinging that is the reason why he lets a few tears fall down his rosy cheeks. It's  _not_ because he's hurt or anything like that. 

*****

Justin is standing in the hallway, looking at Jess that is resting her side against one of the lockers as she’s speaking to Sheri. He’s looking intensively at her, but she doesn’t notice him. It’s been a long time ago since he last saw her look genuinely happy, and that kind of sucks. ‘ _Can I sleep at your place for a few days? Just till I get my shit together’_ Justin types on his phone. He sends it to Jess, thinking that Jess of all people will care about him in the end.

He sees how she takes up her phone from her pocket, probably reacting from the text message that he just sent her. When she looks down on her screen her facial features stiffen and just as she looks as she’s about to respond to him, she puts down her phone again and waves her hand dismissively at the questioning Sheri.

Justin looks down at his own phone, and the screen says _No missed messages_. His text must have been sent to the wrong person or she just didn’t see it, because Jess can’t possibly just have ignored it, even though she knows that Justin only asks her for favors when it’s real trouble. But he can’t have sent it to the wrong person, because she’s the only Jessica Davis in contact book. Also, if she didn’t see it, then why did she take up her phone just after he sent it? It’s obvious that she couldn’t have missed it, and what’s even more obvious is that he and Jess have been over longer than he’s cared to admit.

He copies his text message that he sent to Jess and send the same one to Alex, thinking that he’s his last hope. Justin isn’t sure if it passes seconds, minutes, or hours until he receives a short _‘Of course. I skipped school today, so you can come whenever as I’m home alone already.’_ Thank God for Standall, Justin thinks.

*****

It’s warm inside Alex’s kitchen, and for a moment he envies him for the life he has. Even though he’s not as rich as Bryce, he’s still far better off than Justin. But then he remembers that he’s still not happy, even though he’s living in a house like this. Justin doesn’t even have to look down onto the list to remember number four, _be affectionate with Standall_.

The thing about number four is that when he wrote that one, Justin meant that he would squeeze Alex shoulder or something if he felt sad. But now the fourth reason seems much more interesting, because he’s not sure if squeezing a shoulder is the only thing that he wants to do with Alex.

“Here’s your cup of tea.” Alex smiles as he gives him the warm mug.

“Thanks.” Justin says as he takes it, letting his fingers brush against Alex lean ones a tad too long.

Alex sits down onto the brown worn couch, matching his once again nature-colored pants. Justin wants to inhale his beauty right now, because even though he hasn’t done anything special today with his looks, there’s still something so pure and vulnerable about him.

“I’ve missed you these last few days that you’ve been at home.” Justin confesses, and a pink tint is covering Alex’s cheeks.

“I’ve missed you too.” Alex whispers.

They look at each other in the silence, and the steam from Alex’s mug is mirrored in his icy blue eyes. Justin can’t help but to smile at him, because even though he’s not entirely sure what it is that he feels about him, he does know that Alex has become the most important one in his world. If there’s no Alex, there’s no reason to live anymore Justin realizes.

“Does it make me a dick if I’m glad that both Zach and Jess stood you up?” Alex asks.

“Yeah, it kinda does.” Justin giggles. “But honestly, I’m happy too.”

Alex slaps Justin’s shoulder, pretending to be offended. But then their eyes interlock with each other, and their smiles suddenly falters. His milky skin looks even smoother than butter, Justin thinks, and his lashes are the longest that Justin’s ever seen on a dude before. Before Justin gets a chance to react, he feels Alex’s fingers caressing the skin behind Justin’s right ear. They then slide down slowly to his jaw, and Justin’s eyes follow them like they’ve been enchanted.

“I really like your ears.” Alex says as he breaks the silence. “I’ve always thought yours looked special.”

“Special like weird special?” Justin wonders.

“Special like cute special.”

Justin decides that he won’t let himself ruin this moment with whatever insecurity it is that he has towards what he thinks about Standall. It doesn’t even matter that he can’t label his feelings towards the blond kid; because what matters is that his heart is almost beating twice as fast as normal, and sure as hell must mean something.

“I’ve – I’ve never seen someone as hot as you look in my jacket.” Justin confesses, his ears getting red.

Alex’s eyes widen, and then he takes the step that Justin’s been waiting for. He closes the distance between them, and their lips touches. It’s not that different than kissing girls, Justin thinks, maybe even a bit better. He can feel Alex tongue brushing against his own, and he’s never felt as connected to someone in his life than what he does to Alex right now. It’s not even that passionate, almost a bit too gentle than what Justin usually prefers. But somehow Justin thinks it’s perfect, the best kiss he’s ever had.

They let go of each other, a saliva string still attached between their lips. Justin is looking at Alex and checking if it was okay, but deep down he knows that he doesn’t even have to check if it was – because a kiss like that can’t just be one-sided.

“Wow.” Justin then blurts out.

Alex grins at him, and Justin feels himself blushing harder than ever before.

“Yeah, wow.” Alex giggles before he leans forward again, grabbing Justin’s lips with his own.

Justin’s pretty much certain that he just checked off number four of his list in a more literal way than it was first anticipated to. Even though Justin’s still not sure whatever it is that he’s feeling towards Alex, he’s sure as hell he’s the most thrilled than he’s ever been before, and that surely most count.


	7. Reason 5: Tell Standall Something Personal

It’s 8.23AM when Justin wakes up. The sun is shining outside, and there’s a tingling sensation in his stomach. He touches his own lips, and they feel sore underneath his thumb. Justin can’t suppress the smile that is forming itself on them, and he wonders if he has ever felt this intrigued by someone before. Sure, he’s kissed probably more girls than anyone else at school, yet Alex is the first one that actually made him crave for millions more. With Jess he always liked kissing her, but at the same time he never actually felt anything that special with her. If he had known that kissing Alex would feel like finally finding a home, then he would have kissed him a lot sooner.

Justin starts to think about last night; how he had told Alex that he didn’t need to sleep on the floor. He had practically felt like he was about to explode from all the butterflies in his belly, and when he had met Alex’s shy smile, he had been certain that Alex had felt the same way. They didn’t do much, only observing each other under the light moonshine that sipped in through the blinds. Alex had looked ethereal, so Justin hadn’t been able to not touch him. He had slowly taken Alex’s hand in his, and it had felt like all his nerves had been on fire. Every touch, every sensation, had been hundred times more than usually, and Justin had asked himself if what he felt towards Alex didn’t go further than just attraction. However, even though they had kissed, more than once, he still didn’t felt entirely comfortable with confessing that to himself.

Justin turns his head, and there’s no Alex beside him. Suddenly he realizes that the bed is much lighter than last night, and the air feels much heavier without him here. Justin puts on a blue t-shirt before he goes down to the kitchen. When he’s almost down the stairs, he meets Alex’s dad.

“Foley, is that you?” he says.

“Yeah dad.” Alex mumbles awkwardly. “Forgot to tell you that we have this big assignment, so Justin’s probably gonna stay for a few days.”

Mr. Standall looks at Justin, and he throws a heavy arm around Justin’s neck. He smells much different from Alex. Alex has a very light a appetizing scent, whereas his dad smells very masculine, and it’s not something that Justin really finds attractive in any way.

“No problem son, glad you’ve found some real guys to hang out with.” He sneaks.

“Thanks dad.” Alex’s voice falters, and Justin wants to push the man away and take the vulnerable kid in his arms and tell him that he’s going to protect him from every evil thing in the world from now on.

Justin walks to the kitchen and sits down beside Alex. He knows that he will most likely only be uncomfortable if he says anything, so he pretends like everything is okay and makes a sandwich. However, he can’t shake the thought away that he sees how Standall hasn’t touched his food, that he is only steering his spoon in his cornflakes.

*****

When Mr. Standall leaves, Justin’s index finger touches Alex’s rosy cheek. He looks at him, wondering if he’s okay or not, Alex ignores him. Justin doesn’t know if it’s his dad or Justin that’s bugging Alex’s mind, but it worries him.

“That man is sure something.” Justin blurts out.

Alex continues to ignore him, and Justin doesn’t understand if he’s done something wrong. After all, maybe Standall didn’t like kissing him as much as he liked kissing Standall?

Justin tries to take Alex’s hand, but he flinches from his touch. Justin wonders what the hell has happened from last night till today that’s totally rocked the relationship between them. When he thinks about it, Alex hasn’t even uttered a word to him this morning, and that’s unlike him. Usually he speaks quite a lot, even though he’s not the most talkative person in the world.

“Is something wrong?” Justin asks him, because he needs to know.

Alex doesn’t reply, but his eyes find Justin’s, and there’s something in them that Justin can’t read. He doesn’t look angry, but he doesn’t look happy either. There’s something intense about his gaze, and the blue color looks almost dangerous.

“Please Alex, talk to me.”

He sees how Alex starts to gulp, and Justin wants to take his hands in his and never let them go. He wants to tell Alex that he doesn’t need to be afraid, that Justin doesn’t understand whatever it between them either. He wants to tell him that it doesn’t matter, because he feels good whenever he’s around Alex, and that’s the only thing that matters.

“I’m not going to be your rebound.” Alex finally says. “So if that’s the only reason why you kissed me yesterday, then we can just quit everything before it gets too late.”

Justin turns his head to the side, and a sensation of calmness hits him.

“I didn’t plan for you to be my rebound.” Justin says. “I really didn’t plan anything of this at all.”

Alex then starts to blush very intensively, and for a second it looks like he’s going to transform into a tomato. Justin almost starts to laugh, but then he remembers that what is happening right now is probably on a fragile line between ‘it’s going to be okay’ and ‘everything is going to get screwed up’.

“I- I thought you didn’t want me.” Alex confesses, and his head falls down.

“Look at me.” Justin then says.

Alex turns his gaze upwards, and there’s something breathtaking about him, Justin thinks. He’s seen a lot of beautiful people in his life before, but no one can measure themselves to Alex.

“I really don’t know what’s happening here.” Justin says, pointing between them. “But I really wanna find out what.”

“Me too.” Alex whispers. “I couldn’t sleep tonight, I went nut thinking why you of all people wants to kiss someone like me.”

Justin only shakes his head, thinking that he is mad. It’s Justin that is lucky that Standall can even think about wanting to be with someone like him.

“Maybe we’re both nuts?”

*****

Justin is looking at Alex from behind, and he can’t help himself from letting his eyes glide down to his butt. His grey underwear is stretched so much that if he squints he can almost see through the material, and Justin wants to slide down his hand underneath the hem of them. He wants to touch his soft skin, squeeze him, even letting his fingers travel from the back to the front.

He shakes away the mental picture, because he can feel himself getting aroused by just the thought of Alex.

“Do you like jazz?” Alex asks, and for a moment Justin thought he heard him say Jess.

“Not really no.” he answers, because he’s not sure what he said, and he doesn’t like jazz or Jess.

“Well, we only have dad’s jazz music down here.” Alex says before a saxophone is playing softly in the background.

The couch gets heavier from Alex who slopes down on it, resting his legs on Justin’s lap. A playful grin starts to play on his lips, and his toes starts sneaks their way to Justin’s crotch. Justin doesn’t say anything; he probably couldn’t anyway, because once again his cock twitches.

“You know, I’ve always found you hot – even when I was with Jess.” Alex breaths out, and Justin realizes that he forgot that Alex too used to go out with her. “Sometimes when we made out, I pretended that it was you.”

He feels Alex hot breath against the skin of his neck, and he has to force himself to not moan from the feeling. He wonders if Alex also used to do this with Jess, licking and kissing her like this. He realizes that he wishes that he prefers that Alex hasn’t, because even though it’s silly, he feels jealous of whoever it was that Alex used to kiss, even if it’s just Jess.

“Is that so?” Justin lets out. “What did you pretend that I was doing to you then?”

“I’m not gonna tell, you have to wait and find out.” Alex teases him.

“I’ve never felt as attracted to someone else before as I am to you.” Justin confesses, and he thinks that it should count as number five of his list, _tell Standall something personal_.

Alex then crawls up and sits on Justin’s stomach with his legs on each side of him. A sudden look of something dangerously close to what looks like love creeps upon Alex’s face, and Justin thinks he must be dumb if he doesn’t realize it himself how much he actually likes Alex. That what he feels towards him is probably the strongest feelings he’s ever felt towards someone in his entire life, and Justin realizes that he’s completely fine with that.


	8. Reason 6: Get High with Standall

When Justin sees Bryce at school he freezes. It’s not in the way where he can’t move and his feet are glued to the floor, but in the way where his mind is shut down and everything around him is moving except him. It’s weird, but he’s sort of forgotten everything about Bryce, Jess, and Hannah. Not like it had been erased from his mind completely, but that the last couple of days with Alex had been so relaxing that he just decided to not remember.

When Bryce sees him a grin forms on his lips, and Justin can see that he’s moving towards him. The worst thing is that Justin can’t move, can’t walk away, and it’s like everything is moving in fast-forward but him.

“Justin!” Bryce says loudly as he throws his arm around his neck. “Been ages man.”

“Y-yeah.” He lets out.

“Duce, ever since that bitch became the drama queen of the year and decided to call it quits, nobody’s got the time to do anything.”

Justin can feel his blood boil, because even though Hannah and him weren’t close in the end, he still respects her death. He can feel his hands start to shake, and he has to restrain himself to strangle Bryce.

“By the way, where’s Standall?” Bryce then asks. “He’s been absent the last few days, and I think I need to talk to that freak before he does something stupid.”

Justin looks at Bryce, and he want to kill him. He seriously wants to kill the guy. If he ever touches even a hair on Alex’s body he’s going to make Bryce pay, and it’s going to be ugly. Then a cold chill goes through his body, because what if he does the same thing to Alex as what to Jess and Hannah? What if he taints and uses Alex body against his will? Justin feels like he’s about to puke at same time as he’s going to throw a punch at Bryce.

“Justin, you look like your head’s exploding.” he suddenly says. “You’re sick or something?”

Justin only shakes his head, and then he shoves his former best friend’s arm away. He doesn’t even have to turn around, because he can feel Bryce’s confused and shocked eyes that are bored into his back. _Never_ , Justin thinks, _I’m never going to speak to that guy ever again_.

*****

Justin decided to skip last class, because all he could think about was how much he hated Bryce Walker, and how much he missed Alex. It was weird, because just a month ago he wouldn’t even have imagined how much Alex would matter to him, but now he’s his entire world.

When Justin reaches Alex’s house he sees that the window is open, and he can hear voices from inside. It sounds like Justin and his dad is in a heated argument, so he thinks the best thing is if he sneaks his way in without acknowledging them. Anyways, if Alex wants to walk about he will tell Justin, he’s sure of that. But before he opens the door, he hears his own name is mentioned, and then he stops. Is it wrong of him to listen to someone else’s conversation without them knowing it? Maybe it is, Justin thinks, but he can’t help himself to want to find out anyway.

“Alex, he’s been here for 5 days.” Mr. Standall says. “He’s a great kid, you know I think so, but he needs to go home.”

When he hears it, Justin’s heart pangs. It amazes him how the entire neighborhood hasn’t heard it.

“Just a few days more dad.” Alex pleads. “We have this important assignment that we need to hand in.”

“How come that you’ve been home if it’s that important then?” Alex’s dad asks him, but before Alex gets the chance to answer it, he adds. “Justin has to go home, no questions asked.”

In a way Justin waits for Alex defending him, telling his dad that if Justin can’t stay, then he won’t stay either. That Justin is his entire world too, and that without him close, he can’t properly function as a human being. That his heart is not only beating for survival anymore, but also that it beats for Justin too.

“Yes sir.” Alex then says, and a part of Justin feels betrayed.

Justin stays out a few minutes more, sitting on the Standalls’ doorstep. His shoulders feel a lot heavier than they did this morning, and Justin starts to think that maybe everything had went just a little too great lately. Of course someone or something would eventually fuck everything up, so he couldn’t even feel angry at Mr. Standall for not wanting him in his house anymore. But it didn’t make it easier that this house had begun to feel like a home to him, because here he could sleep with Alex in his arms and look at the stars into infinity, thinking that if someone could ever love Justin, then it would be a privilege to be loved by someone like Alex Standall.

Justin then forces himself to stand up and go inside the house. Suddenly everything about it feels wrong, the paintings, the stove, even the couch feels distant and cold. Perhaps it had always been this way without him noticing it?

“Hi.” Alex greets him when he sees Justin.

“Hello.” Justin mumbles, his heart feeling heavy.

“How was school?” he then asks him, but there’s something in his eyes that looks so sad that Justin wants to wipe it away with his thumb.

“It was empty without you.” Justin then says. “When are you going back?”

“Probably tomorrow.”

Their conversation dies down, and they just look at each other for a slight moment. He sees how Alex’s fingers twitches, and he knows how much he wants to take Justin’s hand in his. Justin gives him a reassuring smile, because even though Alex doesn’t know it, he still wants him to feel that Justin doesn’t blame him. Hell, he doesn’t even blame his dad for making Justin homeless once again.

“I’ve been thinking lately, and I think I need to go home.” Justin says, even though home is anywhere but where his mom lives.

“Yeah?” Alex lets out, and there’s a pained look in his face that Justin doesn’t want to see ever again.

“Yeah, I think that’s for the best.” Justin finally says. “But we’re still good, right?”

Alex then looks behind his shoulder, seeing how his dad is preoccupied with reading the sport’s part of the newspaper. He then gives Justin a light peck on his cheek, and the heat from his soft lips brings heat to his cold body.

“Of course we are.” Alex whispers.

Justin sends him a small smile before he goes to Alex’s room and picks up his stuff. The thing is that he can’t even find it in himself to say ‘thank you’ to Alex’s dad for letting him crash here for almost a week.

*****

Justin doesn’t even know if he should knock of open the door himself to the old apartment. In a way it would feel silly to wait for someone to invite him in, because on one hand he’s not a stranger, and on the other hand his mom and stepdad aren’t the people that usually do stuff like that anyway.

When he puts in the key and opens the lock, he’s greeted with a sight that he somehow forced himself to forget. The air is heavy of smoke, there’re bottles on the floor, and he’s pretty sure that there’s strain of blood on one of the walls. He doesn’t even want to imagine what Seth has done to his mom now that he’s been away.

He walks into the living room, and the television is on. However the screen is just grey, white, and black dots that are blinking, and he wonders how long it’s been on like that. On the couch his mom is resting, and Justin wants to look away from the clear bruise on her cheek. It’s blue and yellow, and he’s sure that he can see a cut just underneath her eye. But she seems like she’s sleeping, so before he thinks about it, he puts a blanket over her.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he then hears a voice, and he sees the man he’s been dreaming more nightmares about than anyone else.

“I’m coming home.” Justin lets out, feeling how his courage is betraying him.

“Oh fuck no.”

Justin doesn’t even get the time to comprehend it, but at one point he’s standing beside his sleeping mother, and the next he’s pressed against the wall, feeling two strong hands around his neck.

“Didn’t I tell your sorry ass to never come here again?” Seth shouts, and Justin sees how his mom wakes up shocked.

“Let me go you fucking wackjob.” Justin hisses from the pain. “Or I’m gonna kill you.”

He realizes that he went too far just there, because he feels how Seth then starts to beat him like he’s never done something else in his life. Justin waits for his mom to intervene, but she never even leaves the couch. Instead he sees how she turns her head to the TV, taking a sip from a bottle, and Justin thinks in that moment that he’s going to die. It doesn’t even hurt anymore, because it feels like everything is happening to someone else, and he’s just an observer. When Seth lungs one last punch there’s red from his knuckles, and Justin wonders how fucked up his face really looks like right now.

“This is the last time I’ll tell you kiddo, never even look at this place anymore.”

Justin breaks free, and he promises himself to follow Seth’s advice. He’d rather die than to set his foot her ever again.

*****

It’s dark outside, and Justin finds himself ending up at the Standalls’ staircase once again. He doesn’t even knock on the door; instead he lets himself in the house. He meets Alex and his dad’s confused eyes, and for a moment he’s not sure if he’s even welcome to be here at the moment.

“What the hell happened to you?” Alex then exclaims.

Justin gives a pained expression towards him, and he really doesn’t want to talk about it. Alex’s dad disappears then, and Justin can feel how Alex’s arms start to cling around his shoulders.

“Did your stepdad do that to you?” Alex asks with fright in his voice.

Justin only nods, and he hears the shocked noise from the other boy. He can feel the tears that are stinging in his eyes, and he doesn’t even care how they fall down to his bruised cheeks.

When Mr. Standall is back he’s having a first aid kit, and Justin smiles at him gratefully for not asking any questions.

“Dad don’t make this into a big deal.” Alex warns him, but his dad chooses to ignore him.

Instead he examines Justin from top to toe, and Justin feels naked under his stare. It then hits why he’s a cop, because a stare like that could make anyone feel guilty. Justin wonders if he’s one of the reasons why Alex sometimes thinks that he isn’t as brave as Justin thinks he is. Having a dad, with that much masculinity on top of all, must have been hard for an outcast like Standall.

“Alex, take Justin with you up to your room.” He orders his son.

“Yes sir.” Alex obliges.

“And Justin.” Mr. Standall then says. “You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you wish.”

Justin can see it in his eyes that he understands what has happened, and that only wishes for him to be safe. In that moment he thinks that he’s never looked up to someone as much as he does to Alex’s dad, and that makes him both happy and confused.

When him and Alex are back up at his room, he feels how two icy blue eyes are staring at him. It almost overwhelms him, and even though Alex means everything to him, he still doesn’t want to talk about it. Instead he starts to think about reason number 6 on his bucket list, _get high with Standall_. He takes up the stash from his pocket, and he points to Alex’s window. He doesn’t even have to explain it, because Alex has already started to climb out from it and next they are sitting beside each other on the roof.

Justin passes the blunt to Alex, and when he sees how his lips are sucking on it, he feels hot in the cold air. He gives Justin it back, and he can almost feel Alex’s lips against his own from the skin of it. He turns his head to Alex, and when he meets his eyes Justin realizes that he loves him, how weird it may seem. Because it wasn’t more than just a few weeks ago that he admitted to himself that he was attracted to Alex, and now suddenly he loves him. But he’s sure of it, because if what he feels towards Alex isn’t love, then he sure as hell doesn’t know what love is.


	9. Reason 7: Take Standall to the Beach

Justin is looking at Alex that is sleeping beside him, and the sun is slowly arising in front of them. The sky is painted in this baby blue and pink color, and the stars are still visible. It’s almost eerie how quiet the neighborhood is, because there’re no cars that are driving on the streets. He can almost see the entire town from this view, and when he looks down on his watch he sees that the clock is 5:30AM.

Alex’s eyelashes flutter when Justin tickles the tip of his nose, and a jolt of fondness goes through his body. He still feels a bit high from last night, but he’s still sure that he loves the kid. And it’s strange, because it doesn’t even matter that much if Alex loves him back or not, because Justin loves him so much that it’s enough for both of them. In a way he pities Jess, because he always used to tell her that he loved her, but now he knows that it was at the most affection.

Alex’s eyes then opens, and he smiles fondly at Justin.

“Kiss me.” He orders.

Justin happily obliges, and he shifts his body so that he can reach down to Alex that is still laying flat against the roof. When he catches Alex’s lips with his, a sense of worry captures him. He starts to think about the list that he’s been obsessing about the last couple of weeks and its purpose. What if Justin and his attempts aren’t enough? What if Alex decides that death is far more appealing than life with him? He pushes away from the kiss, and he’s met with two big confused blue eyes. He decides that number seven needs to be now, there’s no time to waste.

“Let’s skip school today.” Justin says. “I’ve never been to the beach before, and I really wanna go.”

“Sure.” Alex says with suspicion in his voice.

“Let’s go no.” Justin says, and he takes Alex’s hand in his and drags him up.

He takes the blue basketball jacket and throws it at Alex, and for every second that passes he can feel how Alex’s life is sipping out between his fingers. He pulls on a green knitted sweater and he knows that he’s acting a bit crazy, but yesterday when Seth had beaten him he had actually thought that he was going to die. The only thing that he had thought about when he had seen the blood that he dripped down the man’s knuckles was that he didn’t even got the chance to tell Alex goodbye, to tell him that he didn’t need Justin to continue on living and be happy.

They quietly go down the stairs and run into the silver-gray car. Alex still doesn’t seem so sure of what exactly is happening. But he remains quiet, and Justin thinks that has more to do with that Justin still looks pretty fucked up than that he’s eager to go to the beach.

“How long is the drive?” Justin asks.

“About an hour or so.” Alex answers.

For the next 68 minutes that passes, they sit in silence and let the sun unfold in front of them. Neither of the two boys seems to care enough to put on the radio, and for a moment Justin thinks that maybe the list has taken over his life a bit too much.

*****

“This is breathtaking.” Alex says, and he’s wearing a smile on his face that is so genuine that Justin thinks that if a bullet would be shot against his chest, Justin’s heart would beat so fast that it would just bounce back.

“So are you.” He lets out.

Alex has folded up his pants to his calves, and he’s walking in the water, which looks awfully cold. Justin can feel the sand between his toes, and the feeling of it is a lot more different than he anticipated it to. He had always thought that it would feel soft against his skin, but in reality it itches a bit.

The sky is matching the jacket that Alex is wearing, and Justin can’t stop himself from jogging to the ocean and lifting him up in his arms. The freezing water is dripping down on his pants, but Alex laugh is ringing so loud in his ears that it’s all worth it. He’s never heard anything remotely as beautiful as that, and he starts to wonder what more surprises Alex has to offer.

“I’m really glad you took me here.” Alex admits. “I was worried for a second, thinking that you had hit your head too hard or something. But this is so beautiful, it really is.”

“Not as beautiful as you are.” Justin says, this time louder so that Alex hears how him.

“You’re beautiful too.” Alex blushes.

Justin slowly lets him down again on the sand, and when he meets Alex’s hungry gaze, he presses his body close to his and kisses him hardly. He wants Alex to feel all the emotions that are rumbling in his body, and he wants to give him every ounce of his heart into it. He can still taste the scent of weed against his tongue, and it sort of makes him aroused. Knowing how they shared the blunt together, the saliva being exchanged right now, makes him want to rip Alex shirt of and do stuff to him that no one else has done before. He realizes then that Alex once told him that he got angry at Jess for not wanting to sleep with him, and it hits him hardly then. Alex is still a virgin, and Justin is probably the one that is going to be his first.

When they break apart to catch air, he sees how much Alex trusts him. He can see the hunger that lurks inside his eyes, but Justin can’t have sex with him, not here. He wants to makes it special for Alex, to make him want to look back at his first time as something good. Justin tries to think about his, and he really can’t remember it. He doesn’t even remember whom he lost it with, and that fucking sucks.

“I’ve never felt this before.” Justin then says, and he points between the two of them.

He wants Alex to know that this thing that’s happening between them isn’t just one in a bunch. That this is special to Justin, probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

“Me neither.” Alex whispers, and he lets his finger caress Justin’s forehead.

“And I want you to know that you’re the most important thing in my life right now.” Justin confesses, because he wants Alex to feel as special as he is.

“You too.” He says as he messages Justin’s hands. “You too.”

He feels Alex’s hand in his, and they walk back to the beach. When they sit down on the sand again, he feels Alex’s head resting against Justin’s shoulder. They stay like that in what feels like forever, and he’s pretty certain that Alex has fallen asleep beside him.

“I love you.” He whispers to the sleeping Alex. “I love you so much it hurts.”


	10. Reason 8: Invite Standall to a Party

He’s looking into the mirror, and his right eye is swollen and purple. He almost looks like a boxer, Justin thinks, almost like Muhammad Ali. He flexes his arms and stands in a position like he’s ready to fight. He punches the invisible Seth in the air, and a sense of satisfaction whelms over him. It startles him, and once again he throws a punch again, but now there’s an invisible Bryce that’s standing in front of him. This time he just doesn’t feel satisfied, but livid. Then Bryce transforms into Hannah, and his hands falls down. She has her short hair, and she neither looks sad or happy. There’s something about her, but she remains quiet.

“I’m sorry.” Justin whispers. “And you really didn’t deserve all the shit that happened to you.”

Hannah then changes to Jess, and his heart aches when he sees her. She’s wearing the same clothes as she did when she had _that_ party. Her hair just hangs down, and she’s look at him with such a vulnerable face that Justin just wants to embrace her and never let her go.

“I’m so, so sorry Jess for not standing up for you.” Justin’s voice breaks. “I never should have left you by yourself that night.”

The invisible Jess then disappears in the air, and then he’s all alone again. He wonders how Jess is feeling right now, if she still hangs out with Bryce. He then decides that he needs to speak to her, sooner or later, because she can’t continue on living like nothing happened just because he told her so before. She needs to know the truth.

“Come.” Alex then says as he appears by the door.

His septum is glistening when the sunlight hits it, and a small reflection forms on the wall. He waves Justin over to the bed, and Justin just follows him like he’s under hypnosis. Alex then starts to clean up his wounds, and in the beginning it stings, but soon all he can think about is how Alex’s skin feels against his.

“Down.” Alex then says, and he pushes Justin’s body against the mattress.

Justin looks up at him, and Alex captures him with his beauty. He wants to touch every part of Alex, kiss every inch of his skin, and make feel as good as Justin knows he can make him. He wants to set him on fire, make him feel the burn when Justin goes down on him.

“I wanna feel you.” Alex whispers into his ear.

“Mm, me too.” Justin lets out feeling so aroused that he could explode right then and there.

But then he remembers that Alex is probably a virgin, and even though he would love to have sex with him right now, it just doesn’t feel right. He can still hear Alex’s parents downstairs, probably enjoying their morning-coffee. Hell, he can even see Alex’s neighbors from the window.

“But not now.” Justin groans. “Soon though.”

“When.” Alex then whines.

Justin starts to think about reason number 8 on his bucket list why Alex shouldn’t kill himself, _invite Standall to a party_ , so he says.

“At Sheri’s party next Saturday. Does that work?” Justin asks him, and Alex nods frenetically.

Alex climbs off from him, and all he wants to do is to beg him to climb back on. But he wants to prepare Alex, to make him feel that Justin wants this as much as he does. That even though he’s had sex before, he still feels like a virgin with Alex.

*****

Alex’s dad is still eating breakfast when they come down to the kitchen, but his mom has already left for work. Justin wonders for a moment if he’s actually ever seen Mrs. Standall, because she always seems to be away on stuff all the time.

“How’s the team doing lately?” Mr. Standall asks.

“Pretty good actually.” Justin says. “You should come and see us some time.”

Alex’s dad lowers the newspaper, and then his eye starts to twitch. Justin’s not sure why he looks so suspicious at the sudden, but then he notices Alex who is standing in just his underwear. He seems like he isn’t even aware about how he gently massages Justin’s neck, and a blush creeps up on his cheeks. He clears his voice, and when Alex notices it, he quickly removes his hand.

“I might just do that.” Mr. Standall says, and then he turns his head up to Alex. “Good morning son.”

“Good morning sir.” Alex says as he slopes down on one of the chairs beside Justin.

“You don’t let your guest sleep on the floor, right?” Mr. Standall says.

“No, how come?”

Justin wants to groan out loud, because how dull can Alex be? Alex however seems to be clueless, and Justin only shakes his head.

“Well, as you massaged him just now I guess he has a strain in his neck.” Mr. Standall says, but when he glances at Justin he blinks his eye.

“Uhm, yeah.” Alex lets out as he blushes more fiercely.

Justin then grins at his dad, because he understands that he knows. What surprises him though is that he genuinely seems to be pretty okay with it, almost that he likes that Alex is with Justin. Mr. Standall continues on eating his sandwich, but his eyes are still twinkling.

“You know, that girl you always used to bring here?” He begins.

“You mean Jess?” Alex erupts him.

“Yeah, Jess.” Mr. Standall says as he takes a sip from his coffee. “Never really liked the girl. Thought she was too feminine.”

Alex almost chokes on his orange juice, but Justin continues on observing the man. He’s interested in hearing what he has to say about her, or potentially Justin.

“Yeah?” Alex coughs out.

“Mhm.” Mr. Standall says. “Think I’d like someone more manly around here actually.”

“Is that so?” a blushing Alex mumbles. “You really think so.”

Alex’s dad puts down the newspaper, and then he nods at Justin. “I wouldn’t mind him being here.”

Alex’s eyes light up then, but he doesn’t say anything. In fact, for the next fifteen minutes they continue on eating in silence. Justin then decides that he really doesn’t understand Mr. Standall, because sometimes he’s this macho-man that wants Alex to behave as normal as possible, and other times he seems to be far more than okay with Alex being into a dude.

“Oh, and son…” Mr. Standall says sternly.

“Yes, dad?”

“You’re going to school today.” He mutters, and then he turns his gaze towards Justin. “Both of you.”

*****

It’s almost a little bit weird being back at school. Even though it hasn’t even passed more than a few days, it’s like everything is different. It feels like Justin moved on and changed his life completely, but everything in school is exactly the same. The lockers are still in the same navy blue color, and the students are the same as always. Justin meets Zach’s eyes, but before he even gets the opportunity to wave at him, Zach’s eyes falls down to the ground. When Bryce tries to greet him, Justin just walks away.

He sees from the corner of his eye how a confused Jessica Davis is observing him, and he promises himself that he’s going to tell her the truth eventually. He just need some more time until that happens, both for him and Jess.

In class it’s like always, because he can see how the teacher’s mouth is moving, but all he hears it _blah, blah, blah_. Alex is sitting on a desk just in front of him, so he moves closer and leans forward.

“You’re so hot Standall.” Justin whispers.

Alex jumps a little of surprise from Justin’s voice, but then the tips of his ears turn red and he turns his head just a little to the left.

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah babe. Can’t wait till Sheri’s party. Gonna make you feel like a God.” Justin teases him.

“Me neither.” Alex whimpers.

Justin lets his finger brush against Alex’s neck, and it feels like his skin is on fire when he touches it. Electric bolts are going between their touch, and it amazes him how the rest of the class hasn’t even acknowledged them. To Justin it feels like a meteorite had fallen down from the sky and hit his head, because ever since he kissed Alex Standall for the first time, he got a sense of what life could really be. And damn, life could be fantastic.


	11. Reason 9: Take Standall to the Library

Justin is playing with Alex’s hair between his thumb and his index finger, and it almost feels like feathers against his skin. He’s never felt anything as soft before, and he realizes that he’s genuinely happy. It’s nothing but pure happiness that he feels right now, and that makes his heart beat a bit faster. Justin starts to think about how if it hadn’t been for Hannah taking her own life, then maybe Alex wouldn’t have been his. Sure, they used to hang out, but they were never close. But now, now a life without Alex wouldn’t be a life worth living.

“Hi gorgeous.” Alex grins when he looks into Justin’s eyes.

“You’re the one who’s gorgeous.” Justin mumbles.

He pushes Alex’s bang to the side, and then he strokes his thumb against Alex’s forehead. He loves how his fingers don’t bump against his skin like it used to do against Jessica’s. There’s not a thing that he would change on Alex, in- or outside.

“What are you thinking about?” Justin then asks.

“Just that I’d like it if the sun would move just a little faster around earth until Saturday.”

Justin frowns, and he wonders for a moment why Alex even wants to be with him. Apparently he’s far duller than Alex is, so does he really feel satisfied in Justin’s company?

“You know, the days become shorter when the sun travels faster. So, if the days become shorter, there’s less time until we have sex.”

“Smooth.” Justin flashes a smile.

Alex pokes out his tongue before his smile starts to spread out so much that it looks like his cheeks hurt. Justin playfully ruffles his hair, and the smiling Alex that’s lying in his lap drags his body down for a kiss.

“Don’t you think the sun goes a little faster?” Alex then asks when his smile has turned into a hungry look.

“Yeah.” Justin nods. “Maybe a little.”

*****

Justin looks down on the list, and 8 of 13 reasons are ticked off. It’s just that the thirteenth reason is still a blank, because he can’t come up with something spectacular to end this entire project with. Justin looks at the list proudly, and he really thinks that it seems like it has made Alex a lot happier. Reason number 9 is _to take Standall to the library_ , and it’s somehow the hardest reason of all to do. Because the town’s library isn’t just a library to Justin, it has at times been the only place where he could go when his mom got too drunk for him to handle.

Justin looks at Alex, and there’s something about the way he looks at Justin that makes his palms sweat. He knows that Alex is looking forward towards Saturday so much, but he’s not sure if Alex understands that Justin is looking forward to it just as much, if not more. Because does he love Justin as much as he loves Alex? Justin isn’t sure that’s even possible.

“So we’re going where?” Alex asks. “And exactly what are we going to do there.”

“Just wait and see.” Justin smiles.

He takes Alex’s hand in his, and he doesn’t care if someone from school sees them. Hell, he wouldn’t care if the whole world saw them. He’s proud that he’s with Alex, even if he’s a dude. When Justin comes to think about it the problem has been less about admitting that he likes Alex because he’s a dude than it has been about like Alex in general. Being gay would probably chock his friends, but they would eventually come over it. But liking Alex would be a lot harder. Even if he was in the same gang as the rest of the guys he never really was a part of it, not in the core. But now Justin doesn’t even want to be in that gang anymore, because he doesn’t even like Marcus, Bryce, Montgomery and the rest. The only one he still misses is Zach, and it makes his heart pang.

He leads Alex into the library, and the picture of himself hiding behind a shelf of books, scared of his life, pops up in his brain. He wonders when his mom stopped loving him. Maybe she never even began? Justin shakes the thought away, and when he meets Alex’s worried eyes he sends him a smile to make him understand that he’s okay.

He flexes his arm out, and then he says “Tada.”

“Is this is.” Alex mutters disappointedly. “You said that you were gonna take me somewhere cool. I’ve literally been here at least a hundred times.

Justin shrugs, but he somehow feels like maybe this time one of his reasons why Alex shouldn’t kill himself failed. Maybe Justin’s mistake will be big enough for Alex to be pushed over to the edge?

“I like this place, you know.” Alex then says, and he folds his arms around Justin’s waist. “Was just a bit surprised, that’s all.”

Justin knows that Alex can sense his sadness, but he can’t find it in himself to shake away the feeling of failure.

“Come on, show me something I’ve never seen before.” Alex says as he takes Justin’s hand in his. “I really want you to show me.”

Justin looks deeply at Alex, and it feels like even if their worlds collide, there’s nothing that could break them.

“Yeah?” Justin breathes out.

“Yeah of course.” Alex says with a steady tone. “I want to experience everything with you.”

“Me too, so don’t go anywhere.” Justin says, and in his mind he adds _‘so don’t you die from me’._

“Of course not.” Alex giggles.

*****

Alex is sprawled out on one of the pillows on the floor, and he’s laughing so hard that his eyes are all shiny.

“Please, do that ‘Pooh’-line one more time.”

Justin repeats it, and from the look of it, the ninth reasons wasn’t that bad when it all comes down to it. He seems like he actually enjoys the library quite much, and Justin isn’t sure if it has to do with his impressions, or if it’s just being near Justin that brings a smile upon his lips. And to Justin it doesn’t matter which one it is, as long as Alex feels good is the only thing that matters.


	12. Reason 10: Make Standall very Happy

Justin has memorized reason 10 by heart, _make Standall very happy_. When he first wrote the list he had thought something in the lines by taking Alex to Coney Islands or something. But now, he looks down at his watch, he’s going to have sex with Alex in less than an hour.

He takes a sip from his glass, and it tastes like a badly mixed vodka drink. He doesn’t even remember who made it; he just got it from someone he doesn’t recognize. Even though he knows that Alex has drunk alcohol numerous of times, he’s still worried. Lots of thoughts take over his mind, and he starts to think about if Alex sees their relationship as something of just the two of them, or if it’s too casual that they’re not established. Justin sure as hell hopes that they’re monogamous, because he doesn’t want to touch anyone else – girl or boy.

Alex gives him a light peck on the cheek as Justin holds his arm around Alex’s waist. People are looking at them funny, but no one seems to be brave enough to say anything anyway. Justin is smiling at Alex, and he wants to show Alex how good he can really make him feel. He wants to touch every part of his body, trail his tongue along his spine. Hell, he wants to make Alex his.

“You’re having fun?” Justin asks him.

“Sure, but it would be more fun down there.” Alex grins as he points to one of the bedrooms.

“Soon babe.” Justin whispers as he seductively bits Alex’s earlobe.

Alex bits his lip, and he can hear the whimper that escapes his mouth. Damn, Justin wants to hear him do that when they have sex – a lot of times. He’s not sure why, but he enjoys their friends confused faces when looking at them, like what they’re seeing isn’t real. Because how can Justin the jock be practically eye-fucking the scrawny freak Alex Standall? If they only knew what a body Alex has, then they wouldn’t be that surprised. He starts to think about how Alex’s penis looks like, because even though he’s rubbed his hand on top of his underwear, he still never got the clue of it’s size. Is it big and short? Thin and long? Turned upwards or down? Is it bigger than Justin’s? Hell, nothing of that really matters, because he knows he’s going to be obsessed with it anyway.

From the corner of his eye he sees Jess, and she’s sitting alone on the stairs that leads up to Sheri’s bedroom. There’s something so lonely about her, like she’s radiating how empty and friend-less she really is. Justin remembers how she always used to say that even though she hung out with Sheri and the rest of the cheerleader-squad, she never felt that she fitted. He knew that she liked Hannah, but it wasn’t until he listened to the tapes that he understood why they stopped being friends. Maybe both Jess and Hannah would have felt happy if they had remained their friendship? Justin really doesn’t know, but it brings some hope to his life that Alex at least has him to lean on when he feels alone.

“Go to her.” Alex says, and it startles Justin. “I know you wanna tell her about that night.”

“But what I did was so shitty it can’t even be excused.” He mutters.

Alex squeezes his hand and says “Then don’t apologize, just explain to her what happened so she can move on.”

Justin nods his head, and then he walks to her. In close she looks so tired, and the once twinkling eyes are not dead. At first she doesn’t even acknowledge his presence, but when he clears his throat she looks at him. He takes her silence as a way of telling him to sit down beside him, and the couch suddenly gets heavier from the weight of his body. But even though she now looks like she’s sitting very uncomfortable, she still doesn’t say anything.

“Hi.” Justin begins, and she furrows her bushy eyebrows. “Wild party right?”

“Mhm.” Jess lets out, and he can almost see how heavy the words are inside her mouth.

“The weather has been getting a bit warmer later, right?”

He looks down at his knees, and he feels so embarrassed. How can he tell her that she got raped at her own party a few months ago, and that he was the major part why she still believes she wasn’t. He doesn’t want to think about the fact that he brainwashed his own girlfriend into believing that nothing happened, that his then best friend had raped her so hard that he found bloodstains on the blanket after he was done. When Justin thinks about it, he’s not sure she even had had sex before. Maybe that’s the reason why Jess still won’t believe what happened to her was real, even now when they’re broken up and all. He meets Alex’s gaze, and he’s looking at Justin in a way that says ‘tell her, you can do it’.

“Do you remember that party you had?” Justin asks, and immediately her body tenses. “You know what Hannah said, about what Bryce did. I just wanna say that I lied before, that she told the truth.”

And there, it’s out. Justin doesn’t even know what he expected, because she doesn’t react. Instead she looks at him, still a bit distantly. Did want her to cry? To hit him and tell him what a dick he was for letting it all happen? He’s not sure, but it certainly wasn’t her silence that he expected. When it looks like she’s about to say something, Sheri throws an arm around her neck and says while she hands them her drink: “Come on guys, cheer up with Sheri!”

Jess pushes her arm off, and then she walks away to where the most of the people are playing beer-pong. He looks at Alex, and Alex just shrugs his arms like ‘you did what you could’.

*****

Justin joins him again, and for a while they just stand there watching the others drink and have fun. Just a few months ago he used to be like them, having fun and drink beer. But then he looks down at Alex, and he realizes that he’s been starring at Justin for God knows how long. There’s starts trapped in the night skies of his eyes, and Justin can’t restrain himself anymore. He takes Alex’s hand in his, and it feels like they’re moving in slow-motion when they go to Sheri’s parents’ bedroom. Justin knows that it’s not optimal to take Alex’s virginity right here, but he’s been waiting for weeks to feel his body against his own, and he deserves a goddamn medal for keeping his hands to himself for as long as he has.

He adjusts the lighting, and through the dim darkness in the room, the blush on Alex’s cheeks is very visible. Justin drags him with him to the bed, and then he starts to take off his own shirt. Alex just stands still, and for a moment he looks like he’s not fully sure that he’s ready.

“We can stop it right now if you want to.” Justin says.

Alex just waves his head before he mumbles a quiet “I’m just a little nervous.”

He watches how Alex removes his white t-shirt, and the bleached locks from his head embraces his milky-white neck in an almost angelic way. A sudden feeling of affection grips Justin’s body, and he wants to drag Alex to him and give him a memory so great that he’ll never be able to look at a bed again without smiling.

Alex sits down on the bed beside him, and he’s the first one to press his lips against the other. The kiss is sloppy and eager, but Justin can’t help himself for finding it adorable. He just wants to feel Alex, on the in and outside. He wants to be able to picture every inch of Alex’s body in his head, and he wonders for a slight moment if he thinks the exact same thoughts about Justin right now. Underneath the duvet Justin feels a hard heaviness against his thigh, and even though he’s never felt anything like that before, he knows it’s Alex’s cock.

His nervous fingers brush against it, and a feeling of electricity hits the tips of his thumbs. He’s both too scared to touch it again, and to horny to let it go. Justin tries to look into Alex’s eyes, but he’s already closed them. For just a second he wants to see them to understand if he’s on the right track yet, or if it does nothing to Alex.

“Is this good?” Justin asks as he stokes Alex’s length.

“Mhm.” Alex grunts out, and the noise makes stuff to Justin’s body that he won’t admit to anyone – especially not Alex.

“Ehm, do you want me to like…” Justin says, because he doesn’t know how to frame his words. “Like fuck you yet?”

“Always being discrete Foley.” Alex teases him. “But yeah, I want you to fuck me right now.

After what feels like a storm, a fire, and rain, they’re done. Justin observes Alex’s paving chest, and ribcage goes up and down. He’s resting his head on Justin’s arm, and he’s not sure if Alex is still awake or not. But he can’t help himself for licking away the sweat from his wrist, kissing the skin gently, and blowing against it.

“It shivers.” Alex whines.

Justin only smiles, and he kisses the tip of Alex’s nose.

“Are you happy? Like really, really happy?” Justin asks him, because he needs to know that reason number 10 has been accomplished.

“Yeah, I am.” Alex mumbles with a smile plastered on his lips.

 _And so am I_ , Justin thinks, _as long as I am with you, Standall_.


	13. Reason 11: Dance with Standall

Justin is looking at the list once again, and he’s trying so hard to come up with the last reason, but it still says _number 13: Unspecified_. He wants to end this project with a grand slam, something that will make Alex feel so appreciated and special that he’d practically marry Justin. But he can’t come up with anything, because everything feels too little, too usual, that he’s left with starring at it and almost wondering when his pencil will levitate and start to write down the last reason itself.

He thinks about yesterday at Sheri’s party, and his thighs are still warm from feeling Alex’s body against them. Hell, he can still feel him if he closes his eyes. Justin thinks that he’s never been closer to see fireworks as he had been yesterday. He wonders what Alex is thinking about right now, if he feels as good as Justin does. Does he think about how nice Justin’s penis is? Or how Justin’s heart started to beat in the same rhythm as his, like it was made to match Alex’s? He really doesn’t know, but then again, he’s still a teenage-boy like Justin, so it must be somewhere in the lines with Justin’s.

Justin looks down at reason number 11, _dance with Standall_ , and he knows exactly how to execute this. Their last homecoming at school had kind of been a fiasco for Alex, because it had been around the time that he and Jess had broken up, so he had been forced to go stag while moping around. It had also been the same homecoming that Justin and Jess became a couple, but now the only thing that Justin wishes is that he had known and felt for Alex already back then. Because then Alex could look back at it with positive memories, instead of looking at it as the night that his ex-girlfriend got together with his at the moment kind of boyfriend.

Justin puts down the list, and he joins Alex’s family in the kitchen. It’s like every other morning in the Standall household, because Alex’s dad is reading the sport’s part of the newspaper while he’s enjoying his coffee while Alex is drinking orange juice and holding Justin’s hand underneath the table in secret, though Justin’s pretty certain that it’s not so much of a secret to Mr. Standall.

*****

At school Justin sees Mr. Porter, and he starts to think about how one bad choice changed the man’s life. And it is not like Justin wants to excuse him, but he can see it when he looks at the man how much he’s suffering. Words go around that his wife left him and he’s all alone with mortgages and house payments for a house he never truly wanted, and that kind of sucks. He knows that Hannah had never intended to ruin another life with her tapes, but the after-affect for all of those who were on them has been huge. Jensen has been wandering around in the hallways like a ghost, Sheri is one step from going crazy, and Jess, Jess doesn’t exist anymore. Even though Jess body is walking from class to class every day, there’s very little of her that’s still in that body.

Justin walks to Alex, and he’s greeted with a firm kiss on the lips. Marcus looks away in discomfort, and just to pissing him more off; Justin pushes in his tongue into Alex’s mouth. However Alex seems perfectly fine with it, more like euphoric, when Justin’s hand slides down to grope his ass.

“I can’t stop thinking about yesterday.” Justin mumbles in Alex’s ear.

Alex pushes Justin’s bang away from his forehead, and the feeling from his fingers makes Justin feel so hot. All he can think about is how much he wants to leave this place and fuck Alex right now.

“Mm, me neither.” Alex muffles out.

“I was thinking, what if we get all fancy tonight and we’ll have a little prom of our own?” Justin whispers. “I wanna undo you in a tux so much.”

“Don’t you mean do me in a tux?” Alex snickers. “But yeah, sounds fun.”

Justin looks down at his watch, and then his eyes fall on Alex again.

“8:30PM tonight in your room, dress up.” Justin orders him before he winks his eye and leaves a horny Alex by the lockers alongside a very uncomfortable Marcus.

*****

When he opens the door from Alex’s room and Alex walks in, Justin looses his breath. He’s never seen someone more handsome, even when wearing a blue basketball jacket instead of a blazer, and Justin can’t help but smile at him. He can’t believe that this guy, this exact guy, is his. There’s something very shy that hides in Alex’s eyes tonight, and Justin wants to know how that comes. They’ve had sex, so what more can make him nervous about the two of them? But then again, Alex is like ten times smarter than he is, so he’s probably going to understand it sooner or later anyway. And if not, then he’s sure Alex’s going to tell him about it.

“You – you look stunning.” Justin lets out. “Like a million bucks.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” Alex says.

Before Justin forgets about it he takes up a white rose and ties it around Alex’s wrist, and there’s something about the way he looks at Justin that he can’t put his words on. Maybe Justin is just putting too much thought into it, but it sure looks a whole lot like love. He wants to tell Alex that he feels the same, that Alex is the best thing in his world, and without him in it Justin would not have a reason to carry on. Because, Alex is the air that he breathes through his nostrils, the grass that tickles his toes, the wind that caresses his body, and the storm that’s stolen his heart. Alex is his everything, so how can he live without him?

He takes Alex’s hand in his, and they start to sway to the silent music. In Justin’s head it’s playing something soft and slow, and he hopes that the same melody that he hears in his head is the same one in Alex. It’s nice being pressed into Alex body, not saying a word. Because it makes it so much easier for him to inhale his scent, and when he closes his eyes they’re not just dancing in Alex’s room, but in tuxes at their wedding.

When the imaginary song ends they stop to dance, and Alex then starts to suspiciously look at his nightstand.

“What’s that?” Alex laughs, looking a wrinkly page of paper. “Is it a love poem?”

He grabs it, and before Justin even comprehends what it is, he sees how Alex’s face falls down to confusion.

“Thirteen reasons why Standall needs stay. Number 1: Show Standall the stars. Number 2: Give Standall a present… what the hell is this Justin?”

Justin looks at him, and he doesn’t know what to say. How can he tell him that this list is the only reason why he’s still alive? That it has functioned as a life-support for Alex these last couple of months without him knowing it.

“It’s a list why you shouldn’t kill yourself.” Justin lets out.

Alex gets in pain in that very specific second, because Justin can see that in his eyes that are starting to tear up. It’s like time is still, and Alex is millions of galaxies away from Justin’s reach, because every time he tries to touch him, there’s something in his head that won’t allow him to move even an inch.

“So – so everything we’ve done, hell even when we had sex, has been because of this stupid list?” Alex asks in panic.

“Yeah.” Justin says, but then he hears it out loud, and it’s not what he means. “No of course not.”

But it doesn’t seem like Alex is even aware of what he’s saying right now, because he’s pacing in circles, and Justin doesn’t know what he can say to make him feel calm. Hell, Justin’s mind is moving in circles too.

“I knew it was too good to be true.” Alex then says. “Why the fuck would you ever go out with me? I don’t know what I’ve been thinking.”

“You know it isn’t like that.” Justin begins, and panic is starting to embrace his body too. “I fucked up man. Shit, I’m so sorry Alex.”

Justin tries to take Alex’s hand in his, but he slaps it away and his eyes looks like a scared animal an inch away from a gun. Justin really doesn’t know how he can make this right again.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t ever fucking speak to me again.” Alex shouts. “I don’t even fucking care that you’re living here right know, because I don’t want to see you ever again.”

“Don’t say that.” Justin says, and he’s so fucking scared now. “You don’t mean that.”

“Oh believe me Foley, I sure as hell do.” Alex says while he drags off the blue basketball jacket.

He throws it at Justin in all rush before he launches down the stairs, and before Justin even gets the time to react he hears how the front door is smacked close. This time he’s really fucked up, Justin thinks.

*****

That night Justin tries to call Alex 57 times without him answering him. He’s also outside searching after Alex until 4:30AM in the morning, but it’s all without any luck. Justin feels almost drained from all the tears that are streaming down his cheeks, and then he starts to think that what if the his list did the opposite – what if it finally killed Alex Standall? Even though he doesn’t have any more tears left to spill, he’s crying in a way were his body is paving and aching, but his eyes are dry.


	14. Reason 12: Give Standall Something Personal

Justin looks at Alex who’s resting his upper body against one of the lockers. Even though he’s smiling, Justin can see that it’s all fake. The real Alex Standall doesn’t smile like that, the real Alex Standall’s smile is crooked more to the left so that two teeth hints from his lips. This smile though is the same smile he wore after Hannah died, and before he and Justin got together. It’s one of Alex many sad smiles, and it pains his heart to see that he’s the reason why Alex wears it.

Zach is speaking to Alex, and even though Justin knows that he’s as straight as an arrow, he still can’t help himself that he’s a bit jealous. Hell, he’s a whole lot of jealous. He wants to take Alex hand in his, tell him how much he regrets that stupid list. Because Alex is brave, and Justin was stupid for thinking that he needed any saving. Justin looks down at his fist, and he sees how red it is. He’s been squeezing it a bit too hard ever since Zach decided that it was a great idea to hang out with Alex so much lately.

It’s been too weeks since Alex found out about the list, and ever since Justin has felt like he’s been dying each minute of every day. He’s never been unhappier, and for the first time for real he kind of gets how sad Hannah must have felt. Because it feels like he’s drowning at the same time that he’s been burnt by lava, and he doesn’t know how he can go on from there. The first few days after Alex broke it up with him he deep down thought that they were going to get together again. But now he’s losing hope for every second that passes. Hell, it feels like even Bryce has a bigger chance on Alex than Justin has, and that’s never going to happen in a million of years.

When the bell rings and everybody goes to class, Justin realizes that he really doesn’t give a crap about school. He comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t really care about a lot of things apart from Alex, and that’s a dangerous thing to admit, he thinks. But it’s the truth, Alex is the only thing that he cares about, and this world without him is an awfully lonely place to be at.

When Justin looks up again he sees that he and Zach are the only ones left, and before he comprehends it, Zach is giving him a slight nod. He’s looking as tall and tanned as ever, and Justin wonders how he never before realized how hot he looks. Hell, if it weren’t for Alex, Justin would be glad to bang him.

“What’s up man?” Zach says casually, like the last couple of months without them talking hasn’t happened.

“Nothing much.” Justin lets out, because even though he and Zach hasn’t hung out in months, he’s the closest to a friend he has right now. “You?”

“Kind of lonely to be honest.” Zach admits, and he rubs his forehead awkwardly. “Kind of missing my best bud lately.”

Justin looks at him, and he doesn’t know if he wants to hug the kid or punch him. Because how can he come now, now when Justin’s world is crumbling, and expect that he’s just going to forgive for being a douche?

“Yeah?” Justin asks skeptically.

“Yeah.” Zach breathes out. “Kind of a shit ton. And I know I’ve been the biggest dick to you, but I just want to know I’m sorry.”

Justin looks at Zach, and even though he’s looking as muscular and manly as ever, Justin still sees the child in him that he first got friends with. It’s his eyes, Justin realizes, it’s his eyes that are still so innocent even though they’re as black coal. And fuck, Justin kind of misses him too.

“Me too.” Justin says. “Not about being a dick, but about missing you.”

Something in Zach’s gaze melt, and for a moment Justin doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. Should he hug him? Shake his hand? Instead he feels Zach big hand pat his back in a nervous way, and even though it isn’t much, it’s the most genuine and affectionate Zach’s been in years.

*****

Justin hears the dial tone in his ear once again before he hangs up. He’s called Alex two hundred fifty four times, but Alex hasn’t answered him even once. For all he knows, Alex could have changed his number. Justin doesn’t even acknowledge the pained tear that travels down his rosy cheek, and maybe, just maybe, he thinks, it would be better if he would just let Alex be. He seems to be doing fine without him, and even though that realization cuts a big rip in heart, he’s happy that Alex is doing okay.

Justin looks down at the cursed list, and there’re only two reasons left. If it hadn’t been for the list he and Alex never would have broken up, but then again, the list is the entire reason why they got together from the first place. He takes the crumbling paper in his hand, and he walks to bin to throw it away. But then he looks at reason 12, _give Standall something personal_ , and he thinks ‘fuck it’, and walks to his bed again. He takes out the soft blue thing that he’s used as a pillow for the last two weeks, and he presses it to his heart and decides to give it a try. He dials Zach’s number, and when the other boy picks up, Justin explains everything about him, Alex, and the list. He asks Zach to do him a favor, and when Zach agrees, Justin runs the fastest he can to his house with the blue soft thing.

*****

Alex is sitting by himself outside of class. He really doesn’t have the energy to go in and see Justin’s face again, because it hurts so fucking much to remember that everything between them was all fake. That what Alex mistook for love was only a personal vendetta for Justin, and he knows that he’ll never be able to look at Justin again without thinking about why he had to use Alex. Why had he chosen Alex of all people to make fun off? How could he go so far that he had actually slept with another guy to just win this game or whatever it was?

He looks down at the screensaver of his phone, and he still hasn’t been able to change it. In the picture it’s Justin giving him a light peck on his cheek, and even when Alex looks at the picture it looks so real. If he wouldn’t know any better it looks like two people that are very much in love, and not something constructed of a fake reality.

He starts to think about his father, and how he asked Alex three days ago where Justin was. Alex hadn’t been able to tell him the truth, partly because he didn’t want to accept that they were over himself, but mostly because how proud he was over his dad that he kind of accepted Alex being with a guy. Hell, it had even seemed that his dad liked Justin.

“Hey man.” Zach says as he interrupts Alex thoughts.

He sits down opposite to Alex, and he’s not sure if he wants to talk to Zach right now. Today he’s feeling like so much shit, so he just gives him a short nod to make him know that Alex is aware of his presence.

“How’re you doing?” Zach asks.

“It’s crap really.” Alex answers.

In Zach’s hand he’s holding a blue basketball jacket, and it hurts to think about the one Justin gave him. He used to love the feeling of knowing that he belonged to Justin, but now he knows that it was just one of the many tricks that Justin Foley had had to make Alex fall so deeply in love with him.

“Here.” Zach says as he hands the jacket over. “Justin asked me to give it to you.”

Alex looks down at it, but when his fingers brush against the fabric it feels like fire.

“I don’t want it.” Alex mutters stubbornly. “Give it back. Throw it away for all I care.”

Lies, Alex thinks, it’s all lies. He wants to take the jacket and put it on. He wants to forget about the two last weeks and just fall back into that dreamy faze of affection and love. But he can’t, he can’t let himself do something so stupid again.

“Take it.” Zach says. “He really wants you to have it.”

Alex just shakes his head, and he feels how his tears are pouring out of his eyes. He never wants to touch it again, never wants to see or hear about Justin Foley again. All Alex wants to do is to die, how ironic it might seem.

“Give him a chance man.” Zach says, and Alex can hear that he’s loosing his patience.

“Why?” Alex asks, because he really wants to know why Zach wants him to. Heck, he _needs_ to know Zach’s reasons.

“Because he’s crazy about you dude, with or without the list. Anyone can see it.”

Before Alex can say something in return, to tell that so isn’t the case, Zach throws the jacket at him and walks away. When Alex presses his nose against the material embarrassingly, he can still smell the musky scent of Justin’s perfume. He closes his eyes and thinks about the last time he smelled this exact scent, and it feels like his breath is lost. Alex feels a vibration in his pocket, and when he looks at his phone he sees _‘Justin Foley calling’_. When he’s just about to press cancel he looks down at the blue jacket, and before he can talk himself out of it he presses accepts.

He can hear Justin’s breath through the speaker, like he’s still waiting for Alex to pick up. When he realizes that Alex indeed has accepted his call his breathing starts to get ragged, and Alex is just waiting for him to say anything.

“Hi.” Justin then lets out.

“Hi.” Alex mummers.


	15. Reason 13: Tell Standall You Love Him

At first Justin doesn’t realize that Alex has picked up his phone call so he stays quiet, but when he hears how he’s breathing on the other side of the line Justin panics. He’s been dying for Alex to answer sometimes, but now when he has Justin doesn’t know what to say.

“Alex I’m so, so sorry.” Justin’s words get out in a rush. “I truly never meant to hurt you. Especially not you, do you get me?”

Alex remains quiet on the other side of the line, and Justin doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

“Please say something.” Justin begs him. “Anything. I just want to hear your voice again.”

Justin waits for Alex to open his mouth for almost a million of years, and he’s about to die for the sixty-seventh time when he hears Alex clear his voice.

“I.” Alex begins, but then he doesn’t continue.

“You?” Justin asks, because he _needs_ to know what Alex wants to tell him.

Alex is still quiet, and Justin wonders what he’s about to say. He hopes it’s an _‘I forgive you’_ , _‘I love you’_ , or even a _‘I fucking hate you’_. Because anyone of those is better the ever-lasting silence. He hears a sigh, and Justin presses his phone as hard as he can against his ear.

“I think I made a mistake calling you.”

When Justin is about to tell him ‘no, please just talk to me’ Alex hangs up. Justin’s heart breaks a little at that, even though he didn’t thought that his shattered heart could break anymore.

Justin’s phone then vibrates, and he feels this hammering in his heart. What if it’s Alex? When he looks at the screen his shoulders feel heavier, it’s just Zach. It says _‘How did it go after the jacket, bro?’_. Justin doesn’t even have the energy to reply, but then he thinks about how fragile their friendship still is, so he types a short _‘bad’_. Zach only sends him _‘_ _L’_ , and the text pretty much sums up this entire situation.

*****

Zach is looking down at Justin’s message, _‘bad’_ , and he wonders how everything is still as bad as it is between him and Standall. Shouldn’t everything be okay now? Justin’s sorry, and Standall got a present, so it should be fine? He really doesn’t understand anything at all to be honest about what’s been going on, but he’s picked up that it’s something about a list that’s turned both Standall and Justin gay, and that both seems sad about that they’re not gay anymore. Or it’s something like that anyway, Zach thinks. He doesn’t know what to say to the other guy, so he just sends him a sad smiley.

Zach then starts to think about Standall, and he realizes that he really likes him. He’s genuinely good, though Zach sometimes (well mostly all of the time) doesn’t understand half of what he’s talking about. And Justin has turned up his life, have become a better person since he and Standall started to bang each other. That’s why Zach doesn’t get why the list was that bad. From what he’s gotten from what Justin told him it’s been twelve nice things that he did for Standall to become happier, and if that’s not a good thing Zach’s even stupider than he already thinks he is.

Zach looks down at his homework, and all he’s done is that he’s been doodling a stickman and a heart. It kind of looks like Justin, almost a scrawny, and it makes him giggle. Even though Justin’s been the clever on of the two of them, Zach’s always been the one with the muscles. And he’d never change it for a second. He then feels something close to a light bulb above his head, because he then writes a new message to Justin – _‘Reason 13 – Tell Standall you love him.’_

*****

When Justin looks down at his phone and sees Zach’s message his heart pangs, because it’s perfect. It’s what he should’ve done from the first place. Of course he should’ve told Alex how much he loves him, because it’s been something Justin has known and been okay with for months. Alex is the most important person in his life, and every times he sees him all he can think about is the mixed feelings of wanting to kiss him and knowing if he’s okay. And if that’s not love, then love doesn’t exist.

He runs the fastest he can, doesn’t care about all his stuff that’s still at Marcus place. Because he needs to see Alex right now, no more seconds to waste. When he reaches Alex’s house he’s panting out of breath, and he almost has no energy left to do all of this. He knocks fiercely on the door, and it doesn’t take more than half of a minute for it to be open. Alex’s dad greets him, and there’s something about him that doesn’t look too surprised to see him.

“Justin.” He says. “Alex is up at his room.”

“Thanks.” Just lets out.

When he’s about to go up the stairs he feels a heavy hand on his shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly.

“It’s nice to see you kid.”

All Justin can do is to smile back, feeling the most possible affection that he’s giving Justin. And he appreciates it, he really does. But he doesn’t have the time to have this emotional thing, whatever it is, right now. Instead Justin runs for his life up the stairs, rushing into Alex’s room.

He sees how an extremely surprised Alex looks at him, going instantly into a defense-mood. But Justin won’t let him, won’t let him destroy what might be the last chance there is between the two of them.

“I never really thought about killing myself, not for real anyway. But that week without you, hell I’ve never been closer in my life to wanting it.” Justin says. “And I know that you think that everything that has happened between the two of us has been fake, but fuck, it’s been the most real thing in my entire life.”

Justin stares at Alex, and he can see how he’s about to say something, but then closes his mouth. Justin takes that as an acceptance to continue.

“There’s only one reason left on that stupid list. One fucking reason I couldn’t decide what it should be, but now I know. It isn’t longer unspecified, it’s reason 13 – tell Standall you love him. Because I do Alex, I love you so fucking much it hurts.” Justin almost screams. “And I don’t care if you love me, because I love enough for the both of us. But it would be fucking great if you feel the same.”

Alex is as quiet as a mouth, but he doesn’t need to speak, because he’s eyes are doing that for him. His eyes turn from _‘I hate you so much’_ to _‘Kiss me’_. And Justin does, he kisses Alex like he’s never done before. He wants it to make Alex sure of that all he’s told him is true, that he can trust Justin’s words.

Alex breaks the kiss, and for a slight second Justin is scared that he’s misjudged the situation.

“I love you too.” Alex says. “But don’t you do something as stupid again, do you hear me?”

“I hear you.” Justin says as he nods frantically. “I hear you so much babe.”

Alex then sneaks his hands underneath Justin’s shirt, and for a moment they just look at each other, like they’re asking the other one if everything is okay. But then Justin’s clothes are on the floor, and they’re touching each other on Alex bed like they’re hungry wolves. He looks at Alex, and he’s never seen him look as strong and brace before, and Justin thinks about how stupid he was for thinking that he needed Justin’s saving when it was he who saved Justin the whole time.

He feels how Alex’s burning fingers are touching his chest, hips, thighs, like he wants to touch him everywhere at the same time. Justin wants to tell him that he needs Alex too, that they’re on the same page.

“Am I doing something wrong?” Alex then says, and Justin doesn’t realize until then that he’s been crying for God knows how long.

“No.” Justin answers determinately.

“But why are you crying then?” Alex says.

“Because you’re doing everything right.” And that’s what it feels like in that specific moment, that there’s nothing but him and Alex left in the world, hiding in this room. That everything is right between the two of them right now, that what happens tomorrow doesn’t even matter. And that’s pretty fucking great, Justin thinks.


End file.
